What is your current season?

It's nearing the end of September; the kids are back in school, summer feels like it is winding down, and you can start unpacking your sweaters. Weather-wise, we're finishing up summer and gearing up for autumn. The leaves will soon be changing colors, some people have already been putting up their Halloween outside décor, and your favorite hobby stores are beginning to  display their Christmas stock.

Calendar seasons are one thing - just follow the dates posted on your fridge. I'll admit I'm not ready for colder weather, but I am ready to pull the summer flowers (all the red and pink and purple) and replace them with colorful mums! I am ready for oranges and yellows. I'm ready to walk in the crisp air and stop by the cider mill. But I also don't want time to go too fast because we all know that after autumn comes cold and snow and sometimes ice!

There are also the different seasons in our lives, depending on our ages. There's our teenage years, there's the college days, and the years of independence. For many there are the years of parenthood, the years we spend building our careers, and the years we work toward empty nests and retirement. There were the years we were caregivers to our mothers or fathers and all that it entailed. 

If someone were to ask me what season I am currently in I would have to say the season of floundering and discovery. I've always been the type of person to work toward the future, to make lists, and plan ahead ... often forgetting to savor the moments of today. My heart knows I need to find a better balance, but my mind tends to get in the way and make things more difficult than they need to be.

My husband and I are parents to two adults and grandparents to four awesome grandkids, we're empty nesters, we're no longer caregivers, and we both still work full time. Somehow we're just as busy now as we always have been, but we do try take some time for ourselves. We each have hobbies that we find intriguing, creative, and relaxing to us. But truth be told some times we can go weeks before we are able to carve some time out of our responsibilities to make time for ourselves. That is my goal for this week. We both had a really busy month of August and so far September hasn't seemed to slow down any. You get to the point that you're not just physically tired, but you're also mentally drained.

I am finally taking a couple of overdue days off. Of course I plan to finish cleaning out my summer flower gardens and get into the autumn spirit with fall décor including mums and pumpkins. I always try to do the MUST DO'S first so I won't feel guilty about doing the WANNA DO'S. Pathetic I know. My fun plans? Some reading, some shopping, and some painting. Hopefully a little ME time will get me back on track and feeling re-energized once again.

Hopefully my season of floundering and feeling a little lost and off kilter will lead the way to a better season filled with hope and joy and rest and contentment.

What season do you find yourself currently in? 

Is it what you thought it would be or is it different somehow?

Recognizing The Power of Words

Yesterday was Inauguration Day as our 46th President of the United States was sworn into office. I was working at my day job as an Administrator at our church, and due to our ongoing pandemic restrictions it was like a lot of other days ... productive, but quiet without a lot of human contact or conversation. So as I worked on yearend reports and email communications to our members and visitors I streamed the inauguration on another tab. Pandora music (my usual office companion) would have to wait for another day. Whether you voted for or against our 46th President isn't my concern. Good or bad (depending on your opinion), yesterday was about watching another chapter in the making of our history books. Generations from now people will read about our behavior, our passions, our goals, our accomplishments, and our regrets.

If nothing else 2020 has been a subtle reminder for us all that our actions directly affect each of us and other people. Our motives and follow throughs can make or break long-standing friendships. As a full time church administrator, but more importantly a part time writer I cherish the value of words. I always have. As a sometimes introvert, writing and journaling can become your best friend. It reminds you that you still have a voice and provides you with a platform or release.

Livestreaming the Inauguration I listened to Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, and Garth Brooks as they shared their voices musically. I listened to various speeches and introductions. I listened to promises being made. And I listened to Amanda Gorman, the youngest known inaugural poet. She was poised and delivered a heartfelt message. Of course there will be those who didn't really listen to her words and will spout words of political parties and ulterior motives. I however recognize the power of words. I watched an interview with her later in the day and found her actions and her words during the interview to be even more powerful as she reflected on her poem, the process of writing it, and her presentation. I thought she did a wonderful job and I found her to be inspirational.

Those that appreciate music hear chords and harmonies that I can never grasp; it's their language. Those that like to read appreciate well written books and find them intriguing and fulfilling. For those like me who appreciate the strength of words I remember daily that words and how and when they are used can impact how you feel and how you make someone else feel. Words can lift a person up and give them needed hope or they can instantly belittle and pull someone down into murky waters of loneliness and depression.

We don't need an Inauguration every four years to remind us of the power of words. We only need to wake up each morning and look in the mirror. Think in your head first and listen to your words carefully before you make the decision to verbally share them.

Because I value good words I will leave you with this quote:

Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

A Reflection of 2020

2020 has been unique in many ways. It definitely has not been the year to say you achieved this goal or that goal; took the vacation you wanted and planned for, got the new job or promotion you were working toward, or now have the new relationship you were hoping you'd have (unless you managed to pull off an outdoor Covid wedding).

Looking back as we get ready to close out 2020 you'll see it has been a year when we learned to appreciate the milestones. 

• Working from home and adapting to a new schedule that involved virtual learning for your children or working at your office (often alone) and finding ways to accept the new sense of loneliness.
• You mastered zoom meetings and online family gatherings.
• You learned not to take time for granted, but appreciate the moments more.
• You may have realized and had to accept some friendships/relationships for what they were and more importantly what they weren't.

2020 has been the year when I learned to paint, people found and invested time in new hobbies, and we arranged garage and backyard socially-distanced small gatherings. Many people learned to look beyond themselves and do things not just for themselves, but for the greater good of those around them. We learned to deal with our sense of patience and understanding (or lack of) when we discovered we had to be more creative in the ways we saw and did things.

Maybe we will look back at 2020 as a year filled with self-discovery; a time when we what saw what depths of strength we really had.

Flipping the calendar to 2021 won't change life overnight - it won't eliminate any losses we've faced, lessen any grieving, or miraculously make things 'normal' again. It will be a sign that we are survivors and ready for a new year, hopefully one filled with newfound hope, resilience, and a renewed faith.

What is something you discovered about yourself during 2020?

Moving Into 2020

Well, I'm back; although it has been a few weeks again. In my last post I pondered over what direction my 2020 would take. I decided, after much reflection, that more than a resolution or a specific goal I needed to focus on a word that would help keep me on track for the new year. I chose the word BALANCE. Why? Mostly because I am the first to admit that I can easily get overwhelmed or off track or out of sync if I let obligations and responsibilities take over my life. I have a difficult time saying no to anyone when they ask for help; heck sometimes I don't even wait for them to ask for my help - I just offer it up like it has instantly become my sole responsibility to help them, make things easier for them, or help them to stay on track. 

But should I be doing that? If I do, am I helping them or enabling them? By me helping am I giving them the easy way out? Shouldn't they own up to the responsibilities that are solely theirs? It's usually at this point that my life gets out of balance. I become stressed and consumed over things and situations that affect other people more than myself. Why do I do this to myself? That's the million dollar question. I don't think I do it on purpose, but I've grown up my entire life playing the self-imposed role of the mediator, the organizer, the task master, the list maker, the worrier, and the sleep-deprived person. I look at what I think the result should be in the end and I do what I can to help it get there. I don't settle for good enough; that's always been unacceptable to me. I tend to care too much sometimes; but that's on me. Can you see why my word for 2020 is BALANCE? I clearly need more of it in my life.

I need to know that I can help, assist, care for, worry about, and be concerned for other people in my life without letting it become all-consuming. At some point the scales with the ME side of the equation will be out-weighed by the magnitude of everything else. That's unfortunate, but also unhealthy. It's when I can make this clear observation and own it that I hope to be able to learn something beneficial from it.

I want to move into 2020 like there are no set limits. I want to feel unstoppable. I want to feel deserving of my successes. I want to hear the sound of my own voice and know that it matters (not just to me, but to others as well). So how do I go about accomplishing this?

If I need a space where I can clear my head, then I need to make it or at least clean up the one that I have. If I don't have the tools I need to be the kind of success that I want, then I need to get what I need in order to do that. I need to make the effort because I care as much about me and my needs as I do about everyone else's. I need to be my own best advocate and stop being my own worst enemy. I need to convince myself that looking out for what's best for me doesn't have to make me a selfish person. There will always be those voices in your head that say, 'Now isn't a good time.' 'Maybe next year would be better for everyone else.' But that's the thing, there will always be other reasons and more excuses. Maybe it's the fear of failure. Maybe it's the fear of commitment. Maybe it's the fear of insecurity or being judged. There will always be fears that can talk you out of anything. That's when the hopes need to take the forefront and outsize the fears. Listen to the hope in your heart; the hope that tells you that you have what it takes to succeed, that you deserve to be happy, and that you have what it takes to make a bigger difference in the world.

How are you doing so far with choosing your word for 2020?

Are you getting on track with your goals and dreams or do you feel stalled?

Let us know what's going on ... we are all here for you.

I Don't Understand

Yesterday my pastor spoke in his sermon (with a reference to Matthew 21:23-32) about when 'we don't know why ...' You can fill in the blank with just about anything. We don't know WHY someone behaves the way they do, so we judge and assume. We don't know WHY one person works for a living and another steals. When we don't understand the WHY of an issue, we find ourselves looking for a valid explanation. The fact of the matter is that people make choices. Sometimes they are the only ones affected and others not. There are some simple explanations, but many explanations aren't to be found.

In today's society I find myself saying, 'I DON"T UNDERSTAND'. Very similar to wanting to know the WHY, but it goes deeper for me. I go to church regularly, I read my bible, and I pray ... daily. My faith is very important to me. I choose not to push it on other people. I choose to respect our differences, but it goes deep down to the core of my being. There are days when I read headlines and listen to people offer their non-expertise opinions on everything from why the sun comes up to why football players take a knee before a sporting event to why someone would wake up and decide to shoot hundreds of complete strangers they never met. Many people are more than eager to add needless fuel to the fire and site their right to freedom of expression. Yes, we do HAVE freedoms, but with those freedoms should also come respect and responsibilities. I will never get all the WHY answers that I seek, but I will still struggle with not understanding the motives behind the actions. I am always seeking the 'thing' that will make some sort of sense out of a situation.

Sure, some people will say that if there truly is a God WHY would he allow the bad things to happen; the hurricanes, the earthquakes, the tornadoes, and the mudslides. These are natural disasters and scientists will continue to argue their specific causes and effects. Then there are the human-related bad things that sadly take place daily.

I will never fully understand why there has to be war; sure I understand the need for laws, and rights and wrongs, and protecting each other and our country, our rights and our freedoms. But I struggle some days with how it ever got so bad. I see so many soldiers give their lives and their livelihoods for our country, for us; but am saddened when the respect is not there and when one task is accomplished a new problem always seems to arise.

I will never understand why there has to be poverty and sickness, and so much hatred.

What can I do? That is constantly on my mind. I want to be part of a solution, not part of the problem. I don't want to spread hatred, innuendos, false information, or gossip. I will continue to wake up each day, not knowing what it holds. I will continue to pray for peace, for less homelessness, for more practical solutions, and for hope. It would be so easy in today's world to live in fear; fear of being in a car accident because someone else chooses to text or drink while driving, fear of being a victim of someone else's random craziness for the day, fear of watching the world pit itself against each other, fear of getting sick, or fear of losing a loved one.

I worry enough about everything. I worry for myself, for my family, and for people I don't even know. I worry about a lot, but I refuse to live in fear of the things I cannot control. It is tough, especially with everything that is out there - but I try. I will get up tomorrow. I will continue to pray for myself and others. I will continue to try to be nice and accepting and kind to everyone I meet. I will lean on my faith and hope for better days.

What things do you find yourself struggling with and trying to understand better?

The Battle Of The What Ifs

With everything that is going on in today's society; competitive job markets, political unrests, health scares, economic statuses ... it is no wonder that the average person is left to deal with worry and anxiety. Stress isn't a new word, by any means. People, young and old, have been dealing with it for generations. People worry about their their incomes, they worry about the rising costs of a college education for their children, they worry about the price of health insurance, utilities, about the strength of relationships, and about practically everything else.

It was only a week ago that my pastor targeted his sermon about worries. How by worrying about tomorrow today, we were basically wasting our time because God had a plan and there was enough worry for today without worrying about the future too (I'm paraphrasing, of course). I find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for my life and those I care about, but He also made me the way that I am. He gave me a set of gifts and talents, which I attempt to use as wisely as I can. But I am also a natural born worrier, a mediator, a wanna-be Wonder Woman who seems to think it is expected for me to have answers and solutions to everyone's questions and problems at any given time. With that self-imposed responsibility, though, comes tension headaches, stiff shoulders, countless sleepless nights, worry lines around my eyes, and bouts of unexplained tears. I want to convince myself that I am strong and can deal with anything (and most times I can), but sometimes I am humbled and reminded of my humanness. No one else expects me to have it ALL together ALL of the time, well some may, but I am only one person.

I have a tattered small piece of paper taped to the rim of my computer screen at work that says '...God will never give me more to handle than he knows my shoulders can bear.' I read it several times a day to try and help me keep an even perspective.

Most days I am a 'glass is half full' kind of gal, but we all have our moments of doubt when the WHAT IFS start creeping their gloomy heads in to our days and dreams at night. What if our friend loses their job? What if the college students we know don't get jobs after graduation? What if we don't meet our deadlines and quotas at work? What if the price of health insurance continues to rise more than it already has, HOW will be be able to pay for it? Worse, what if someone gets sick and we actually need to USE the insurance, how will be afford to pay the deductibles?

Trying to keep the glass half full is a lot of work; it is no wonder we have sleepless nights, nauseous stomachs, and headaches. Study after study has shown that anxiety can give us physical symptoms; being 'sick' of the stress and the worry is more real than you know.

So, what's the perfect answer? I wish I knew. Continue to take life one day at a time, I suppose. Continue to do the best that we can using the tools we presently have. We'll never be able to get 30 hours in a day or 8 days in a week. We need to be able to slow down long enough to hear ourselves think; to temporarily block out all the things that may be overwhelming us. We need to set boundaries for ourselves and pray that people will respect them for what they are. We need to find an inner peace that allows us to take the 'being perfect' pressure off of ourselves. We need to trust God more that He really won't give us more to handle than He knows we can deal with.

What if we could say NO once in a while when we were asked to add something to our already overflowing plate? What if we forced ourselves to take 20 minutes out of our already busy day to focus on us? What if  we learned, a little at a time, to trust that everything could turn out okay? What if we packed the Wonder Woman lasso and golden cuffs back into the Halloween dress up box and stopped thinking that we needed to wear them every day?

Personally, I'd love to try focusing on these WHAT IFS instead. 

*Disclaimer ... this blog post is my twenty minutes of ME time for today. Trying to use my own advice. 😉

Keeping HOPE in the Big Picture

There are days when I scroll through the Internet headlines and am amazed (and appalled) with what I read. Stories about thieves who are arrogant (and stupid) enough to post their illegal endeavors on Facebook, video clips of professional athletes playing like schoolyard thugs, and politicians ... well don't even get me started on the public behavior of politicians. 

I fully support an athlete being caught up in the moment when they score a touchdown or a goal, hit a home run, or make a game-winning basket. When emotions are real you can tell, but when a touchdown is scored and a pre-choreographed silly dance is performed in the end zone it is obviously premeditated. It comes across as arrogant and showboating; definitely sets a different tone. They're grabbing the spotlight and hoping their fans will boost them up another level to a higher podium. Although, you know what they say? The higher the podium, the further you have to fall.

Whatever happened to humbleness? Whatever happened to being appreciative for a God-given talent? Of course, to be fair, I have seen award shows and heard people thank 'God' for getting them where they are and then I have to wonder if these are the 'same' people I read about on the Internet and see on the covers of grocery store tabloids. Where was God in their life when they were caught doing something less than ideal? People need to remember that with fame and exposure comes certain responsibilities. Whether they want to be or not, they are now in a position to influence other people (for good or for bad).

As parents, we try to teach our children about morals, values, the importance of being honest, and conducting ourselves with integrity. We do what we can, but in reality we can't be with our kids 24/7 (and then there is the whole debate about at what age you quit referring to them as your 'kids', lol). The way I see it, when you become a parent you are a parent for life; not until the day they turn 18, get dropped off to college, or get married. Sure, as our children become adults they will need to make adult decisions on their own about their finances, relationships, employment, etc. But as a parent, you should always be there to offer an ear to listen or just be there for them to ask advice or bounce ideas off of. While it's true that it takes a village to raise a child, we can't leave all of our mentoring to the people they're around; the people they read about or see on TV, the people they go to school or work with. We can hope though that we've given them enough of a solid foundation that they'll be able to tell the difference when people start giving them advice. We can all give advice from the couch and tell people what we think is best for them, but until we actually walk a day in someone's shoes or REALLY listen to their story we may not truly be helping.

So, where does that leave us? With HOPE. HOPE that our toddlers will learn to walk without too many bruises. HOPE that our teenagers will be safe when they get behind the wheel of a car. HOPE that our young adults won't get their hearts broken as they begin to have relationships. HOPE that everyone (not age specific) will make smart decisions about drinking and drugs. HOPE that our college grads will be blessed with jobs when they graduate. HOPE that we'll all remember to let God into our lives and our decisions. Having HOPE reminds us that none of us have to face anything alone.