No Place For Judgement

Has anyone ever accused you of being judgmental? Have you ever inadvertently shamed someone? Everyone, including you, has feelings. Many people will try to hide their emotions; others display them front and center for the whole world to see. Do they really want everyone's input or do they just like the attention they get? Good or bad, maybe they need the attention to feel validated or noticed.

I know this is a big topic and can cover a pretty broad scope of situations. Let's break down a few examples. 

• Have you ever had someone point out something you're wearing and suggest that it might not be appropriate? Unless you're required to wear a uniform for your profession or you have an expected written dress code, then their opinion of your attire may be just that ... their opinion.

• Have you ever felt 'shamed' by things people have said to you for being too tall or too short or too heavy or too skinny? Or too emotional? People don't need to point out you're too old or too young for this or that; that's your business. Often our ages are just numbers on paper; if your mind and body tell you that you can still do something, then do it. Dance like no one is watching!

• If you're like me you may find that you judge the people driving on your right that speed up and then wait til the last minute to merge left into your lane in front of you (like they didn't see the sign with the arrow a block behind you). I don't know their story. I don't know if they didn't see the sign or never drove on that street before. But I can assume and that what gets me in trouble.

I have a fear of going to the dentist. It's a legitimate anxiety; my heart races, my skin gets very blotchy, and I get clammy. It only takes one bad experience for anyone to develop a fear of something. Maybe a dog bit you when you were six and were getting off the school bus; it would be legitimate for you to feel uneasy around dogs you don't know. It certainly doesn't help when a dog's owner belittles your fear by saying, 'Oh, don't be afraid. Fido never bit anyone. He's very gentle with most people.' The fact that Fido weighs 100# and is straining his leash while barking at you might be deterring you from believing them.

My dentist retired a while back and I needed to find a new practice. I finally took the step and made an appointment with a new one. It went fine, mostly because they didn't judge me for not having been to a dentist in a while. They acknowledged my fear for what it was and tried to support me so I could have a better experience. It doesn't mean my dental anxieties have magically disappeared, but it was a good first step toward regaining some trust.

The thing is that we should do things that are positive because they are right. We don't walk in other people shoes and we certainly don't know everyone's back stories. If someone asks for help, do what you can but don't judge or shame them for being in a position where they needed to ask for help. Maybe it took them a week to work up the courage to ask for help or maybe it took them a year and half to make the dentist appointment. 

Unless you wear a black robe and sit in a judge's chair and have a gavel in your hand and the law on your side, you really don't have the right to judge anyone.

Choose your actions and your words carefully. What's the saying about a tube of toothpaste? Words are like toothpaste, once they're out you can't put them back in the tube.

Just something to think about?

When have you felt judged or shamed?

How did it make you feel?

Recognizing The Power of Words

Yesterday was Inauguration Day as our 46th President of the United States was sworn into office. I was working at my day job as an Administrator at our church, and due to our ongoing pandemic restrictions it was like a lot of other days ... productive, but quiet without a lot of human contact or conversation. So as I worked on yearend reports and email communications to our members and visitors I streamed the inauguration on another tab. Pandora music (my usual office companion) would have to wait for another day. Whether you voted for or against our 46th President isn't my concern. Good or bad (depending on your opinion), yesterday was about watching another chapter in the making of our history books. Generations from now people will read about our behavior, our passions, our goals, our accomplishments, and our regrets.

If nothing else 2020 has been a subtle reminder for us all that our actions directly affect each of us and other people. Our motives and follow throughs can make or break long-standing friendships. As a full time church administrator, but more importantly a part time writer I cherish the value of words. I always have. As a sometimes introvert, writing and journaling can become your best friend. It reminds you that you still have a voice and provides you with a platform or release.

Livestreaming the Inauguration I listened to Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, and Garth Brooks as they shared their voices musically. I listened to various speeches and introductions. I listened to promises being made. And I listened to Amanda Gorman, the youngest known inaugural poet. She was poised and delivered a heartfelt message. Of course there will be those who didn't really listen to her words and will spout words of political parties and ulterior motives. I however recognize the power of words. I watched an interview with her later in the day and found her actions and her words during the interview to be even more powerful as she reflected on her poem, the process of writing it, and her presentation. I thought she did a wonderful job and I found her to be inspirational.

Those that appreciate music hear chords and harmonies that I can never grasp; it's their language. Those that like to read appreciate well written books and find them intriguing and fulfilling. For those like me who appreciate the strength of words I remember daily that words and how and when they are used can impact how you feel and how you make someone else feel. Words can lift a person up and give them needed hope or they can instantly belittle and pull someone down into murky waters of loneliness and depression.

We don't need an Inauguration every four years to remind us of the power of words. We only need to wake up each morning and look in the mirror. Think in your head first and listen to your words carefully before you make the decision to verbally share them.

Because I value good words I will leave you with this quote:

Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

Words Have Power

Words are crucial. I've always said that words, no matter how big or how small, how simple or how extravagant have an enormous amount of power. Words can build a person up just as easily as they can tear someone down. Words can be encouraging and yet words can be destructive. It's great when people take the time to actually think about what they're going to say before they open their mouth.

You've heard the old saying, 'Think twice, speak once'? How true is that? Many times people tend to speak out of reflex; kind of a spur of the moment thing. That's not always good. You could blurt out, 'I love you!' and that would probably be a good thing. But when you speak out of hurt emotions; hatred, grief, or especially jealousy ... well, that's when things can be said that you look back later and maybe wish you hadn't of said them. Words though are like that tube of toothpaste in your bathroom. Once it's out of the tube, you can't shove it back in. Once you choose to say something, good or bad, it's out and you can't get it back. 

You might inadvertently say something mean to someone without intending to. Maybe you're just getting the emotions out. Maybe you think it'll somehow make you feel better. Maybe you're actually trying to have the other person hurt like you're hurting. Sadly, none of these scenarios are beneficial. You won't feel better and being nasty to someone else for no reason won't improve a thing.

The world has been a stressful place lately; people are sick, people are having marital problems, people are experiencing financial burdens, people are looking for jobs, etc. It's normal to look for a reprieve from all the sadness and stress, but not at the expense of other people. It's kind of like the behavior of a bully; you tear someone else down a little in hopes of building yourself up. In the end the bullies only expose themselves for who they really are.

In the midst of all the sadness around us, try to use your words carefully. Take the time to notice people and tell them something nice. Tell them you like their smile. Say 'thank you'. Tell them, 'blue is really your color'. Tell them something positive, something uplifting, or something hopeful. Trust me, we all hear our share of the negative words every day (on the news, on the radio, or in conversation with people). Hearing something positive and just knowing that someone noticed us in a positive way can be really uplifting.

When's the last time you said something nice to a stranger?

When's the last time you said something nice to someone you know?

When's the last time someone said something either 'nice' or 'not so nice' to you? 

How did it make you feel?

The True Value Of A Word

Words can be simple or they can be complicated. The choice is always there and always yours. You've probably heard the old sayings 'choose your words carefully' and 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'. I can't think of better advice. Words have the amazing ability to be anything. They can be heartfelt and supportive or they can be hurtful and mean-spirited. They can be comedic, witty and punny or they can be warm, endearing and inspiring.

Words can be singular and powerful like 'GO', 'STOP', 'YES', and 'NO'. Words can also become clear phrases when put together that tell us exactly what someone is thinking: 'I LOVE YOU', 'I'M HUNGRY', and when my kids were young ... 'BRUSH YOUR TEETH, IT'S TIME FOR BED'. I don't think a parent can be any clearer than that. Words can be very effective. They can used to form meaningful prayers that guide us when we are in need, the rhymes in a greeting card that make us smile, the lyrics in a song that warm our hearts, or create life-changing effects in a politician's speech.

I have a favorite website that I go to when I want to read words that are unique; words that make me think or make me laugh. The website is called the 'Quote Garden'. You can type in any category and you'll be blessed with a wide variety of quotes, some by people you've heard of and others that you haven't. The fascinating part isn't always 'who said what' but rather 'what was actually said'. Words have the keen ability to entertain us, but also to make us stop and think.

Here are a few quotes that caught my eye today.

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him. ~ Leo Aikman

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. ~ Jimmy Johnson

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. ~ Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

I thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older. But it turns out it's something you have to choose to do. ~ From the television show Scrubs

What are my words for you today? Think of what you want to say to someone or what you want to write ... hear them in your mind first or read what you have written ... listen to or read the words carefully, be sure you are clear and that they are the right words. Remember that once you use them you can't always get them back. Make them count and use them wisely.