No Place For Judgement

Has anyone ever accused you of being judgmental? Have you ever inadvertently shamed someone? Everyone, including you, has feelings. Many people will try to hide their emotions; others display them front and center for the whole world to see. Do they really want everyone's input or do they just like the attention they get? Good or bad, maybe they need the attention to feel validated or noticed.

I know this is a big topic and can cover a pretty broad scope of situations. Let's break down a few examples. 

• Have you ever had someone point out something you're wearing and suggest that it might not be appropriate? Unless you're required to wear a uniform for your profession or you have an expected written dress code, then their opinion of your attire may be just that ... their opinion.

• Have you ever felt 'shamed' by things people have said to you for being too tall or too short or too heavy or too skinny? Or too emotional? People don't need to point out you're too old or too young for this or that; that's your business. Often our ages are just numbers on paper; if your mind and body tell you that you can still do something, then do it. Dance like no one is watching!

• If you're like me you may find that you judge the people driving on your right that speed up and then wait til the last minute to merge left into your lane in front of you (like they didn't see the sign with the arrow a block behind you). I don't know their story. I don't know if they didn't see the sign or never drove on that street before. But I can assume and that what gets me in trouble.

I have a fear of going to the dentist. It's a legitimate anxiety; my heart races, my skin gets very blotchy, and I get clammy. It only takes one bad experience for anyone to develop a fear of something. Maybe a dog bit you when you were six and were getting off the school bus; it would be legitimate for you to feel uneasy around dogs you don't know. It certainly doesn't help when a dog's owner belittles your fear by saying, 'Oh, don't be afraid. Fido never bit anyone. He's very gentle with most people.' The fact that Fido weighs 100# and is straining his leash while barking at you might be deterring you from believing them.

My dentist retired a while back and I needed to find a new practice. I finally took the step and made an appointment with a new one. It went fine, mostly because they didn't judge me for not having been to a dentist in a while. They acknowledged my fear for what it was and tried to support me so I could have a better experience. It doesn't mean my dental anxieties have magically disappeared, but it was a good first step toward regaining some trust.

The thing is that we should do things that are positive because they are right. We don't walk in other people shoes and we certainly don't know everyone's back stories. If someone asks for help, do what you can but don't judge or shame them for being in a position where they needed to ask for help. Maybe it took them a week to work up the courage to ask for help or maybe it took them a year and half to make the dentist appointment. 

Unless you wear a black robe and sit in a judge's chair and have a gavel in your hand and the law on your side, you really don't have the right to judge anyone.

Choose your actions and your words carefully. What's the saying about a tube of toothpaste? Words are like toothpaste, once they're out you can't put them back in the tube.

Just something to think about?

When have you felt judged or shamed?

How did it make you feel?

What do you want people to see?

Do you care what people think about you or what you think they see? Do you ever feel judged? The big question is 'do you encourage it'?

 

I think anyone who knows me will tell you that I TRY really hard not to judge; as much as is humanly possibly. But I will admit that I like to observe. It doesn't mean I feel an observation is necessarily right or wrong, it just means that I prefer to take the time to stand back to watch and listen.

 

For example, I know people who will wear a wig for no other reason than they prefer how they are perceived when they wear it. There was a time when I lost all my hair during chemo and I wore a wig. I will admit I didn't wear it for me; perhaps at first I did because I didn't know what people would think of my bald head, but after a week or so I found myself wearing it for the sake of other people - so I wouldn't be a distraction (or so I thought).

 

I have known people who when they were sick created a story to tell people, because they were afraid that if people knew what they were really dealing with they would be looked at differently. Somehow they thought it was better to just tell them that they had a heart condition, rather than the whole truth that they'd also had cancer surgery. This person was so worried about their image and how they felt they would surely be labeled or judged that what they didn't acknowledge was that they were guilty of judging as well by pre-conceiving how they assumed people would react.

 

It's o.k. to let our vulnerable sides show from time to time. It lets people know we are just as human as they are. In a world where there is already so much commercialism, photo shopping, predetermined demographics, and judgment why would we ever want to add more fuel to the fire? So let's agree to be more honest and first worry about how we see ourselves before we worry about how others will see us. Yes, we absolutely need to set positive examples for children and adults of all ages and it's important to let them see our goodness and our true selves. So let's try harder to be real and honest and worthy. When that begins to happen we won't have to worry so much about perceptions because they won't be phony.

 

Have you ever felt the need to change or present yourself in a different way for the sake of acceptance?