Treasure The Memories

Lately I've been or know people who have been to a lot of funerals; for family members, fellow church members, and friends. Funerals can be tough. While for some we can see them as someone finally being at peace and no longer physically suffering, they can also catch us by surprise and leave us wondering why someone had to be taken from us so young and with so much life left to live.

We attend funerals and want to be there emotionally for our family and friends, but don't always know what to say. To a grieving person, they may not want to hear, 'They're in a better place now', because truth be told they would rather that their loved one was still here with them. I was at a funeral not too long ago when the wife of the deceased said, 'He looks good. It's the best he's looked in weeks.' I think it gave her a small sense of comfort to have her husband looking peaceful. It gave her a positive image and a good memory to hold on to. It truly doesn't matter what you say, it's just important that you are there for those who need it.

Bad memories can be haunting for some people and difficult to let go of. The weight they carry with them can be overwhelming, even many years later. Good memories though should be treasured. Sometimes amidst the sad and bitter memories, a positive nugget can be found. When you are able to find that one, you should hold tight to it and carry it with you.

When I was younger (around 11 or 12), my parents were fighting and going through an ugly divorce. In the midst of that I had a best friend named Julia. I would spend as much time as I could with her and her family. To me, her family was like something out of a story book. Her mother was a school teacher and her father was a school principal. What I remember most was them having fun as a family; laughing, having dinner together, and making time in the summer to go to their cottage on a lake. The summer they invited me to go with them for a week was like a little slice of heaven to me; like going to summer camp. I laughed at the breakfast table with them, went on daily hikes and scavenger hunts along the railroad tracks with my best friend, and learned how to water ski on the lake. It was the longest and shortest week of my life; it was like I had traveled to another place (a happy place) and didn't want it to end.

Funny that today as I am preparing for another funeral at my church next week, I thought about Julia and her family. I was reminded about the good times and memories we created. Julia and I lost touch when I moved and went to a new school, but I never forgot about her friendship or the amazing gift I felt her family gave me that week. When you are child caught up in the stress and complexities of a family divorce situation, a peaceful week away with a friend and their family can give you hope. Hope for a brighter tomorrow, hope for a different scenario for your own future. Funny thing is, I don't know that Julia or her parents ever really knew what an impact that one week had on my life.

Hold on to those special memories; especially when they resurface and remind you of the goodness that people can share. Those memories are such a gift. We never know when we are impacting someone else's life in a positive way. Anything and everything we do can affect someone else; if not today then maybe years from now. Open your heart and share the goodness. You are more of a blessing to those around you than you may ever realize.

What's a special memory that you hold close to your heart?

When It's Okay To Let Go Of A Friendship

Generally at this time of year I find myself blogging about the holiday season; the twinkling lights, the decorations, the hustle and bustle, and the real reason for the season. I try to keep my topics positive and uplifting; there's enough sadness and chaos in the world as it is. 

I recently asked my readers online for some topic ideas. I wanted to get a feel for what people were dealing with, besides the obvious holiday things. I inquired about traditions and things they looked forward to this time of year. My sister replied that each year she tackles a 1,000 piece puzzle. She starts it at Thanksgiving and tries to finish it by New Year's. It's a goal she finds relaxing.

By December 1st I try to have my Christmas cards written and in the mail. People joke that I am usually ahead of the pack; but, truth be told, no matter what day I send mine out on I will always get one from a previous co-worker first. Darlene beats me every year! That's become our tradition.

For me, writing out my Christmas cards can be both good and bad. The good part is I enjoy it; at least the part that involves reconnecting with family and friends with pretty and festive cards. The bad part comes when I look at my last year's list. I review it and add in the change of addresses, changes in names because someone has gotten married or worse someone has died, and then there is the issue that presents itself ... friendships that have changed.

Friendships can be tricky, because they can often be seasonable. The thing about friendships is while we hope that they will be honest and true and last forever, they can also be outgrown. For friendships to work in a healthy way, there needs be some give and take. They need to be 2-sided and there needs to be growth. I've experienced friendships that were great for literally years. We were there for each other, we supported each other, we cried together, and we talked ... a lot. Then one day out of the blue something ugly and unsuspecting happened with one. It hit me like a 2x4 between the eyes. My first response was, 'What did I do wrong?' All communication came to an abrupt halt only to leave behind unanswered questions and 'what ifs'. Years later this friend approached me out of the blue and asked to meet. We did and we talked. Turns out they had had personal issues they were dealing with that they had never been able to share. They apologized and proceeded to fill in all the blanks. We don't talk much now, but at least we have clarity and they know that I am here for them IF and when they are ready.

I had another friend, who was a very dear friend for more than 20 years. One day, their life changed, and apparently they no longer had room in it for me. Unfortunately, there hasn't been the clarity of an explanation; I believe they just outgrew our friendship. Perhaps we just didn't have things in common anymore. Perhaps it was a work in progress and I missed the signs. Clarity gives us closure. Without it we tend to speculate and place blame, sometimes in the wrong spots. A true friendship takes work, genuine effort, communication, and honesty. When even one piece is missing the friendship can take a serious hit.

I may be a little older and a bit wiser now as I sit here and reflect, but I'm not too old to not still wonder what happened? or what might have been? I am aware enough that I can see many people struggling with friendships; from the young ones all the way up to aging parents.

Yes, friendships can be great, but they can also be stressful and hurtful. They can be the cause of some serious reflection. Do we want to put in the work to fix the broken friendship? Do we want it so bad that we're willing to let ourselves be manipulated? The truth of the matter is, in my humble opinion, that people change. Sometimes they grow, they mature, their wants and needs change, and often times they're just looking for convenience or something new. Sometimes the novelty of the friendship wears off. If it never truly meant much to them to begin with then they won't feel the need for remorse or any pain. But while they may not feel it, the other half of the friendship may. You may be the one who is left asking the questions of what changed or who? When did you no longer become important enough in their life to matter? When did your feelings no longer count? At what point did they think it was okay to treat people with such little respect?

It's been said that time reveals all truths and time heals all wounds, but that doesn't make broken friendships any less hurtful or disappointing; especially during the holidays.

People change ... every where ... every day, you and I included. Sometimes friendships will be lost. It may be difficult, but it also may be necessary. In the long run it is probably better for us to see people for who they really are.

So, as you send out your Christmas cards this year or birthday cards or anniversary cards, know that it's always okay to try one more time. Sometimes we're lucky enough to know what is going on in people's lives, but more often than not we don't and can only speculate. Go with the spirit of the Christmas season; try again, be forgiving if you can, show grace when you can, but know that you deserve two-sided friendships. You are a strong individual. You get back what you give. If you put effort and honesty in, you can hope to have it returned, but if it isn't then it's okay to accept it for what it was and allow yourself to move forward toward something better and deserving.

That is my Christmas wish for you.

Reunions Can Be Tricky

Relationships come and go. When you're in high school you think it'll be the absolute end of the world when everyone leaves for a different college town. You tell everyone at graduation that you'll keep in touch, but rarely do. You get busy at college, you make new friends, and your life moves forward. You find that if you do get together with some of the 'old gang' everyone just talks about the big game, the prom, the marching band, and that unforgettable trip to Cedar Point. You don't have as much in common anymore because you have a new life. And that's okay. They probably do too.

 

You make new friends in college; you broaden your horizons. You have common interests because of your major or minor. You have four, maybe five, years together. You're older now, and hopefully wiser. You make relationships based on more than living down the street from one another or having a nearby locker. Surprisingly you'll make those one or two friendships with people that you knew before college but didn't travel in the same circles back in the day. With all of the drama and cliques removed you now have a fresh start. Then there are those who take a different path and go to work or get married or enlist in the Armed Forces.

 

Suddenly your five and ten year reunions roll around and you have to ask yourself the BIG question; 'Will I go? Should I go?' At my earlier class reunions everyone seemed to do one of two things; either relive the past or try to out impress each other. Needless to say my ten year reunion was the last one I went to. I had an opportunity to attend my 30th, but reluctantly passed on it. Between Kindergarten and 12th grade I had attended six different schools. I moved a lot and therefore had a hard time feeling like I ever belonged in any one place. I seriously thought about attending my 30th reunion but wondered if too much time had gone by. Many of my classmates had known each other their whole lives; many had gone off to college together. Would anyone even remember me? I was the editor of our yearbook; the first issue to ever have a senior section printed in color ... we were so ahead of our time, lol. But would that be enough for people to remember me by? Perhaps, since a lot of people would undoubtedly dust off the old book just to brush up on names and faces before the big event.

 

I now have an opportunity to attend my 35th reunion later this summer. Again the BIG question; 'Should I go?' Since the 30th I've reunited with a few classmates via Facebook. Some seem very genuine and we appear to have a lot in common. We are all scattered now over various parts of the U.S. and the state. Should I take the risk of going this time and feeling like a wallflower? Should I take a leap of faith that I could have a wonderful time? Perhaps I should; nothing ventured nothing lost. I'm older and wiser now. I have thicker skin, so my feelings shouldn't be hurt as easily. I have the opportunity to not dwell on the past, but rather take a chance on making some friendships stronger.

 

What would you do?

Embrace Your Seasons

Our lives are a lot like the 4 seasons that we know so well. We have Spring when the trees are blooming and our spirit feels like it is slowly rejuvenating after a long, harsh Winter. In the Summer we feel alive with exercise and fresh air, and yet by the time Autumn  and its crimson and gold roll around we are ready to begin curling up in a cozy blanket.

Our lives and relationships also tend to go through changes, but that's o.k. We have different seasons in our lives: our youth, perhaps getting married or having our firstborn, our careers, and eventually our golden years. With each segment of our lives comes an array of responsibilities and new adventures. Realistically our journeys will overlap with those we are in relationships with. I remember years ago when I was first married; I was moving into a new season in my life while my friends were still in a different one. Suddenly we no longer had anything in common and drifted apart. Years later some of those relationships rejoined once our seasons overlapped.

We need to remember that people don't always choose to walk away from us - sometimes it's just the changing of a season. I'll admit I've sometimes had a difficult time with that. When my son was born I was 23 and one of the youngest moms in my neighborhood. When I had my daughter 9 years later and was 32 I was suddenly older then the other moms in her class. Our seasons were overlapping. Now both of my children are adults and I often struggle to know which group I fit in with.

So what do we do? We learn to embrace our seasons. We start to focus more on where we are and less where everyone else is. Let the others connect with us. We cannot change ourselves to mesh with others just as we cannot expect them to change for us. Our seasons are either in line with each other or they aren't. New relationships and adventures will appear if they are meant to be, but don't be so quick to move on past the old ones. A lot can be learned from them and they may just show up on your doorstep when you least expect them?

Have you ever experienced this? How did you get through it?

Thanks for Listening (Again)

Sometimes I try to think of something new and fresh to share with you. Sometimes I'm inspired and often I like to go back into my archives and see what I may have shared before. Many of you have been devoted readers for quite some time and I'm happy to say many of you are new to my blog. Below is an entry I wrote back in October 2009 when the idea of blogging was VERY new to me. Sometimes 'new' isn't always better, sometimes it's just new. I thought this entry was worth sharing again.

Thanks for Listening

‘Turn your ear to listen to me …

Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe.’

~ Psalm 31:2

Autumn is officially here. The trees are slowly displaying their brilliant shades of oranges, reds and yellows; and yes … I think it may be nearing the time to turn our furnaces on (if you haven’t already). Autumn is a good example of the changing seasons, but it can also be a reminder for us of how our lives (like the weather) also change throughout the year.

It used to be that there were lots of people who were older than me and who knew so much more than I did. Nowadays, it seems like there are so many more people younger than I am. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I have near as much wisdom as my elders seemed to have had when I was 10, 20, 30 or even 40. There is a small group of people that I do go to for advice – my husband, my sister, a co-worker, and a few select friends who will always remind me that they are merely ‘a phone call away’. In my current season (or this stage in my life) I often find myself just wanting to say what’s on my mind. I’ll convince myself that I’ve thought the situation through and the possible solutions. I’ll even convince myself that I have all the answers and don’t need anyone’s advice. The results, however, never seem to be what I thought they would. I find that what I really needed was the opportunity to talk with someone else … or better yet ‘VENT’. I’ve learned that most people will be willing to listen to your problems or concerns for a while, but eventually when your problems become repetitive they’ll unintentionally tune you out. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve known people in my life who when I saw them coming I would try to avoid them or discourage their conversations, because I either felt uncomfortable listening or just didn’t have the time or desire to listen to their newest variation of their woes. They are good reminders to me about keeping my own attitude and conversations positive.

But while it may be important to try and keep a positive outlook, it can also be just as important to have that safe opportunity to talk to someone you trust and be able to vent (without the fear of being judged over how you might be feeling). Venting, however, should NEVER be used as a ploy to try to persuade your ‘listener’ to go along with your argument or way of thinking. There should always be mutual respect. My favorite listeners are my husband and a few special friends. If God gave out gold stars for good deeds, these people would have plenty.

I came across a health website this week where a woman’s blog was being featured. She was a fibromyalgia patient who talked about the need to be able to vent when she wasn't feeling well. She needed to be able to openly admit that she hurt and was in constant pain, without someone telling her that she was complaining.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that this past year has been a rough one for many people. We all know someone (if not ourselves) who has had to deal with something big this year. For some it’s been their health, losing or trying to hold on to their job, personal family struggles, finances, or yes … even their faith.

Each of us needs to be able to vent when we need it. More importantly we all need to have someone who is willing to listen; someone who won’t judge us, try to tell us what is right or wrong, how we should be feeling, how we should act or what we should say. A good listener won’t give you preachy advice. They won’t say ‘I know how you feel’. Mostly they will just listen, really listen. They will ask you just enough questions to get you to open up about what’s really on your mind, and then they’ll let you do all the talking. In return, when they really need to talk, we can try to do a good job in the reversed role and be just as good and patient at listening, always remembering the mutual respect.

My advice to you … find a few good listeners with whom you can feel safe to let things out. Have a private conversation. Then, return the favor. I certainly don’t mean to sound like Pollyanna, but if I've learned one thing as I've gotten older it’s how to be a better listener. When you really stop to think about it, isn't that what every human being wants … to be listened to and affirmed?

Thanks for listening.

‘Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.’
~ Proverbs 12:15