When It's Okay To Let Go Of A Friendship

Generally at this time of year I find myself blogging about the holiday season; the twinkling lights, the decorations, the hustle and bustle, and the real reason for the season. I try to keep my topics positive and uplifting; there's enough sadness and chaos in the world as it is. 

I recently asked my readers online for some topic ideas. I wanted to get a feel for what people were dealing with, besides the obvious holiday things. I inquired about traditions and things they looked forward to this time of year. My sister replied that each year she tackles a 1,000 piece puzzle. She starts it at Thanksgiving and tries to finish it by New Year's. It's a goal she finds relaxing.

By December 1st I try to have my Christmas cards written and in the mail. People joke that I am usually ahead of the pack; but, truth be told, no matter what day I send mine out on I will always get one from a previous co-worker first. Darlene beats me every year! That's become our tradition.

For me, writing out my Christmas cards can be both good and bad. The good part is I enjoy it; at least the part that involves reconnecting with family and friends with pretty and festive cards. The bad part comes when I look at my last year's list. I review it and add in the change of addresses, changes in names because someone has gotten married or worse someone has died, and then there is the issue that presents itself ... friendships that have changed.

Friendships can be tricky, because they can often be seasonable. The thing about friendships is while we hope that they will be honest and true and last forever, they can also be outgrown. For friendships to work in a healthy way, there needs be some give and take. They need to be 2-sided and there needs to be growth. I've experienced friendships that were great for literally years. We were there for each other, we supported each other, we cried together, and we talked ... a lot. Then one day out of the blue something ugly and unsuspecting happened with one. It hit me like a 2x4 between the eyes. My first response was, 'What did I do wrong?' All communication came to an abrupt halt only to leave behind unanswered questions and 'what ifs'. Years later this friend approached me out of the blue and asked to meet. We did and we talked. Turns out they had had personal issues they were dealing with that they had never been able to share. They apologized and proceeded to fill in all the blanks. We don't talk much now, but at least we have clarity and they know that I am here for them IF and when they are ready.

I had another friend, who was a very dear friend for more than 20 years. One day, their life changed, and apparently they no longer had room in it for me. Unfortunately, there hasn't been the clarity of an explanation; I believe they just outgrew our friendship. Perhaps we just didn't have things in common anymore. Perhaps it was a work in progress and I missed the signs. Clarity gives us closure. Without it we tend to speculate and place blame, sometimes in the wrong spots. A true friendship takes work, genuine effort, communication, and honesty. When even one piece is missing the friendship can take a serious hit.

I may be a little older and a bit wiser now as I sit here and reflect, but I'm not too old to not still wonder what happened? or what might have been? I am aware enough that I can see many people struggling with friendships; from the young ones all the way up to aging parents.

Yes, friendships can be great, but they can also be stressful and hurtful. They can be the cause of some serious reflection. Do we want to put in the work to fix the broken friendship? Do we want it so bad that we're willing to let ourselves be manipulated? The truth of the matter is, in my humble opinion, that people change. Sometimes they grow, they mature, their wants and needs change, and often times they're just looking for convenience or something new. Sometimes the novelty of the friendship wears off. If it never truly meant much to them to begin with then they won't feel the need for remorse or any pain. But while they may not feel it, the other half of the friendship may. You may be the one who is left asking the questions of what changed or who? When did you no longer become important enough in their life to matter? When did your feelings no longer count? At what point did they think it was okay to treat people with such little respect?

It's been said that time reveals all truths and time heals all wounds, but that doesn't make broken friendships any less hurtful or disappointing; especially during the holidays.

People change ... every where ... every day, you and I included. Sometimes friendships will be lost. It may be difficult, but it also may be necessary. In the long run it is probably better for us to see people for who they really are.

So, as you send out your Christmas cards this year or birthday cards or anniversary cards, know that it's always okay to try one more time. Sometimes we're lucky enough to know what is going on in people's lives, but more often than not we don't and can only speculate. Go with the spirit of the Christmas season; try again, be forgiving if you can, show grace when you can, but know that you deserve two-sided friendships. You are a strong individual. You get back what you give. If you put effort and honesty in, you can hope to have it returned, but if it isn't then it's okay to accept it for what it was and allow yourself to move forward toward something better and deserving.

That is my Christmas wish for you.

Do It Today

Some blog posts are lengthy and full of explanations and overflowing emotions. Others not so much. Some, like this one, will be short, direct and to the point. Yesterday I had a day filled with mixed emotions; experiencing both some ups and some downs. During the day my husband and I volunteered at a local food pantry and helped to package 30,000 meals. Following we were admittedly a bit tired, but feeling good like we had done our small part to contribute to something bigger; something good. Later in the evening we received the sad news that the son of a good friend had died unexpectedly in a car accident. Our emotions went on an immediate downward spiral.

Death, especially when unexpected, is devastating to those left behind to try and figure out the 'why's' and 'what if's'. There are no warnings and no time for righting any wrongs. Life is fragile, it is complicated, and it is most surely unpredictable. Our friend may never know exactly what caused his son's death and he may be left unsure whether or not he'd said 'I Love You' enough times, but the one thing we can know is that once today is gone so is our opportunity for second chances.

 

If you want to offer forgiveness or, for that fact, accept it ... do it today.

If you want to tell someone they're special ... do it today.

If you want to make a difference, no matter how insignificant you might feel it is ... do it today.

If you want to change the world (or at least your little corner of it) ... do it today.

 

There's a saying that suggests you should never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Maybe there's more truth to those simple words than we realize. Maybe we shouldn't overcomplicate things. Maybe we should consider today for the true gift that it is.

Who Sets Your Priorities?

Everyday we live our lives with a TO DO list a mile long. We have things we have to get done, things we should get done, and things we'd like to get done. Every night we look at our lists again and say, "There just aren't enough hours in the day." Realistically we'll never get every thing done so we do the only thing we can. We prioritize our list. The thing about priorities, though, is they are always personal and we always have a choice.

Priorities are different for everyone. Every one of us gets to choose what we feel is important and what isn't ... well, most of the time anyway. We can't always choose the number of hours we work for our jobs or the deadlines that we're given, those are given to us. We can't choose how many hours in a day our children attend school. But we do get to choose, to some extent, how busy our lives get. WE get to choose whether or not we go to church, whether or not we play sports, how often our kids go to dance class, whether or not to create time for our family, and when and if we carve out time to socialize with friends.

We can complain all we want that we don't have enough time for things, but would that be accurate? Only WE can decide what is most important to us. For example, family meals have always been a priority in my family. We choose to make that happen as often as possible. Our schedules may get crazy, but my husband and I have always felt that family dinners were important. It's when we can all talk and catch up for a few minutes before we run off to our next scheduled event. Sometimes it's a home-cooked meal, sometimes it's carry-out, and sometimes we meet at a local Little Caesars for a $5 Hot-n-Ready. What we eat doesn't matter, it's the sitting down and talking part that does.

 

I never pretend to have everything figured out, but I think the key is that we remember not to judge other people and their priorities. What I think is important for my family may not be a priority for someone else. Never confuse someone else's choices with your own. I make my own choices and I have to live the consequences that they some times bring. Never set priorities for someone else, that isn't your right. You aren't in a position to judge or critique anyone else's life. Take a good look at your own and put your energy and focus on that. Think long and hard about what is important to you. Don't see enough time in your day for it? Maybe something in your schedule needs to be tweaked. That's the beauty of it. It's your life and you get to make those choices.

 

What's something you feel is so important to you that it remains at the top of your priority list? What do you choose to give up so that it can stay there?

Take Time To Make The Memories

Recently when my son got married I had an epiphany; that my children were growing up. I held back the tears as my son walked me to my seat and we later shared a mother-son dance. My little boy had grown up into a handsome, smart, and faith-filled man. It goes without saying that I felt an extreme sense of pride that day, but at the same time I had to ask myself, "When did that happen?" Only yesterday I was watching him ride his Little Tikes bike down the street to watch for his daddy to come home from work.

Then I watched his sister come down the aisle as a bridesmaid; stunningly wholesome and beautiful, confident, and adoring of her older brother. She is now in college. The long rainy afternoons filled with tea parties and Disney movies have been replaced with trips to Starbucks and a weekend at a Bed & Breakfast.

I've realized just how quickly the time goes by and how precious each moment is. My epiphany has given me the valuable insight that I need to take time to make the memories. She and I recently had our mother-daughter weekend, after which we stopped off for a wonderful lunch with my son and his new bride. Last night it was my husband's turn. He had his memory-making night together with his daughter at a Peter Frampton concert.

Time goes by fast enough as it is. In a month she'll be back at her college and her dad and I will be anxiously awaiting the next time we'll get to have dinner with her or have her home for a holiday or when we'll get to take the weekend drive to visit our son and his wife. My TO DO lists will always be there, but I'm learning to set them aside when an opportunity arises to make a memory. Try not to miss them - they aren't always easy to spot or subtle. Sometimes they're the spontaneous phone call filled with laughter and conversation.

 

What's the last special memory you made with someone dear to you? 

How do you use your time?

This has been an unusually busy week for me. I've spent time at work, I was video taped for a public service announcement for the American Cancer Society, I've trained for a Making Strides walk this weekend, I took my daughter to dinner last night, I've cleaned house, I've run errands, I'm at the library blogging, and I almost forgot ... earlier today I mended an injured decorative pillow for my couch.

 

Time is something that flies by too quickly, as well as being a commodity that I seem to run short on. If I could only figure out how to add an extra hour or two to my day or better yet, make time stand still or at least slow down I'd be a happy camper. Somehow I don't think any of these options are likely.

 

How do you fill your time? Time isn't just the hours and seconds that fill up our days - it's the area of our lives where we try to fit in as much as we can. On any given day we'll try to carve out some 'work time', some 'play time', some 'family time', some 'quiet time', perhaps some 'nap  time', a 'meal time', some 'relaxation time', some 'exercise time', a little 'me time', some 'God time', and hopefully some 'quality time'.

 

No matter what you're doing it's important to be on time and hopefully not a waste of time. It's also important to create a balance. No matter how we attempt to allocate our time we're always going to run short. So, what do we do to get the most out of our time? We set priorities and we make choices. Sometimes we may need to give up a little time in one area of our lives to make room for something else we feel is more important. The priorities and choices will undoubtedly change on a daily basis and that's o.k. We can't possibly do it all. For me it's hard to give up my lists. Sometimes I'm so busy I find out that I'm human ... imagine that. I find out that I don't have a flashy red & blue super hero costume in my closet with a shiny golden belt. Guess my bubble has now burst. I'm not Wonder Woman. Some days I look around and see what's been put on my plate for the day and I realize something is going to have give. The house may not get cleaned for a few days or I may not have time to run for groceries after work so we change our priorities and I pick up a carryout pizza. Guess what? When that happens the world does not stop rotating and lightning does not strike. The only thing that changes is my priorities. Isn't it amazing that while we don't have the ability to stop or slow down time, we do have the power to make of it what we choose.

 

How do you manage to budget your time? Better yet, if you had an extra hour in your day or even your week ... what would you do with it?

What would you do?

There's been A LOT of talk lately about the bigger than ever 'Mega Millions' growing jackpot. I've heard that whether the jackpot is $12million or $400million any one person's chances of winning remain the same at something like 1 in 175 million (based on the # of number combinations - not the # of tickets sold).

They say money can't buy happiness and that is most definitely true. On the other hand money can often times eliminate stresses, give people financial security, enable people opportunities to help others, award people the chance to go back to school if they want, or even start a business. Winning a lotto jackpot (either way) changes peoples lives ... the question is 'what would you do?' Would you do nothing more than go on a spending spree buying ridiculous things that you don't need? OR Would you set yourself up for a financially secure future that would allow you to do things you never thought possible ... travel ... spend more time with family and friends ... volunteer or start a non-profit that would help others?

You've probably seen one or two of those reality TV shows about people who have won 'millions' ... they show everything from one extreme to the other. There was one family you won the lotto. They paid off their farm and expanded it by purchasing the adjacent 40 acres, bought the best tractors and equipment there was, refurbished their farmhouse, set up college funds for their grand kids and then the man splurged on one item just for himself  ... 'a shiny red Corvette convertable'. He said he'd always wanted one. He drives through his small country town and waves at every person he sees (of course he's wearing new denim overalls now). He said he'd fulfilled every dream he had and couldn't be happier.

Then there's the opposite extreme (perhaps the one who gets sucked into the excitement and the glitz). There was a man who lived in a run down trailer with no heat or electricity. He most likely spent his last dollar buying his ticket. What did he do with the money he won? He bought an outrageously big house with 8 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms (but he still lived by himself). His bathrooms had gold faucets and he hired a butler and a chef to serve him everyday. Everyday, that is, until he went bankrupt within a year.

So who was the 'richer' of the two? Of course, I'm not just talking about spending the money wisely. I'm also talking about the choices they made and how they chose to set their priorities.

If I won the lotto I'd have some definite plans that like a lot of people would involve paying off any debts, taking care of education needs for my children, helping out family and friends, donating to my church, starting a scholarship fund, and more. If I were to splurge on just one thing for myself what would it be? Hmmm... probably figure out a way to add a Florida room to my house, a place where I could sit on a comfy cozy couch, plant some flowers and green plants in colorful pots to scatter around the room, soak up the warm sunshine as it came in the windows, a maybe buy a laptop & a Kindle so that in my spare time I could read and blog ... and then blog and read.

What would you do if you won the lotto?

Life Explained

As I sit here, all warm and cozy, at my desk computer I’m thinking about the time of year. People all around me are hustling about trying to still get the perfect gift and make all those fattening, but delicious, homemade cookies since Christmas will be here next week. A week from now I’ll have some extra time to spend with extended family and time to count our many blessings (something we should all do more often). Usually when I think about writing a January article, my mind turns to topics of new beginnings, New Year’s resolutions and plans for the upcoming year. I took a few minutes to review an article I wrote just 12 months ago called ‘A Season for Envisioning’. At that time, I suggested not making any new resolutions, but rather only promising that I would try harder to be true to myself. I would try to make quiet times for reflection and give myself more grace. I wrote of all seasons bringing questions and uncertainty. I still feel that we need to embrace the lessons and opportunities that every season proposes to us and know in our hearts that ‘God is our refuge and strength’ (Psalm 46:1). I don’t think any of us would say that we don’t know of someone who has had a rough time of it in 2009 (ourselves included).

For me, 2009 has been a year of good health, a job that I thoroughly enjoy, the experience of my first small group, and a lot of personal choices and decisions. Tomorrow night my husband and I will attend our last small group meeting for the current bible study we are participating in, ‘No Experience Necessary’. The study focused on mission and what is our role for carrying out God’s work. I’m thankful to each of my small group members for pushing me to participate more and for the group discussions that we shared. The study has left me with many questions to carry with me in to the upcoming year like ‘How would you describe the purpose of your life?’, ‘As the Spirit stirs in your heart, who are you being called to reach out to in love?’, and ‘Where [in what place, situation, or relationship] do you think God might be calling you to make a difference this week?’. One particular lesson asked the following:

Think for a minute about some “new beginning” God has given to you.
How has your response honored God?
How have you used “your” blessing to be a blessing to others?

Wow, talk about perspective. I guess it really isn’t all about us, is it? Let’s take a minute and look back on 2009 and remember all of the good things that happened … the good report from the doctor … the prospect of the new job that if it hasn’t already come, could come in 2010 … the birth of a new child … the mending of a relationship … or the crack in your heart that healed a bit more. I’ve always been a big advocate of positive attitude and optimism being choices and more productive than the alternative.

Following is a story that a church member shared with me. I think it makes a wonderful point.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fisherman on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
“Not very long,” they answered in unison.
“Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?”
The fisherman explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
“But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go to the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life.”
The tourist interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”
“And after that?”
“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”
“How long will that take?”
“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the tourist.
“And after that?”
“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting”, answered the tourist laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!”
“Millions? Really? And after that?” asked the fisherman.
“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings visiting and enjoying your friends.”

The moral of the story is to have your priorities in line and know where you’re going in life … you may already be there.

Let’s challenge ourselves for 2010 to perhaps reprioritize our lives, to all be a bit less judgmental, less critical, more giving, more active, and more positive. Let’s work on carrying out God’s mission in ways that would make Him proud.