Why is it so hard to be still?

Have you noticed all the noise currently in the world? It's Election Day here for us which means our last days and weeks have been filled with a lot of hatred and arguing; it's everywhere. It should be a sign of democracy working, but instead it's become about who can spread more negativity. It's in the yard signs, the television ads, the billboards, the Internet, the news, the memes, and social media. Whatever happened to people respecting each other's differences? That seems to be a concept that has been lost amidst the chanting of 'I'm right, you're wrong'.

Somehow I think I have gotten way off track. What I wanted to write about today was discovering why it is so hard to be still. When we're still, we can appreciate the quiet; we can hear our inner thoughts better, we can let ourselves just be and get physically and mentally recharged. But some of us, myself included, have a very difficult time being still. We feel like we always need to be doing something; that if we allow ourselves to be still we are acting as though we've finished everything and have completed all of our responsibilities. It's like in order to be still, we have to give ourselves permission to be lazy. In actuality, being still is a good thing.

I took some time off this week to assist someone who needed a hand for a few days. I thought I could help by doing some of the routine things for them that they shouldn't do. The balance of the time we find ourselves sitting on the couch feeling like we should be doing something. We've watched some British Baking, some Pixar short clips, caught up on last week's episode of Survivor ... we even went so far as to start rewatching the very first episode of Survivor from over 20 years ago. We've tried to distract ourselves with things so we won't do anything physical, therefore encouraging rest and healing. We may be letting our bodies rest, but our brains are putting in overtime. We both did an absentee ballot for today so we wouldn't wouldn't miss out on that responsibility, but life still goes on outside the four walls of where we are.

This morning I awoke to total quiet, and not wanting to disturb anyone else I just sat still and listened for over an hour. There was the banging noise of the garbage truck emptying the dumpster in the parking lot at 6:00 a.m. and the automatic cat feeder dispensing at 7:00 a.m. But I did have time to think and reflect on some things; the healing for the person I am staying with, the many people we've lost this past year (relatives and friends), and the process and effects connected to our election today. Being still can be as simple as trying to look past everything that is being thrown at us and allowing ourselves the freedom to choose what we want to focus on for the day. Yes, it can be hard to be still, but so worth it if you can actually achieve it.

How are you at being still? Are you good at it or do you fight it, tooth and nail?

What's the last self-discovery you made when you were still?

Can you repeat that?

Are you more of a talker or a listener? Whichever makes you feel more comfortable is fine, as long as you're doing it for the right reasons. Some people are gifted listeners, they're able to serve as a sounding board for other people. Sometimes people are trying to work through something, whether it's a situation or a problem they're trying to solve or they're in a creative mode. Often they need to talk through the scenario to get their thoughts out and get them organized. They may not need you to give them the answer, they may already have it; but listening to them can help them through the process.

On the other hand some people prefer to do all the talking and don't really want to hear any other opinions, especially when they may differ from their own. These people are usually convinced that everyone else agrees with them and if they do enough of the talking and no one can actually answer they must be correct, right? Well, not always.

Are there times when you're not happy with a situation or an outcome? Do you wish things would have gone differently? The big question is, did you ever speak up and voice your opinion? The thing is that no one can speak for you with generic statements like, 'Nobody does that anymore,' 'Everyone prefers it this way.' Just because someone makes a statement like that doesn't make it true. 

If you disagree with someone or a situation you need to find your voice and then be brave enough to put it out there so it can be heard. If you don't you'll continue to be bothered by choices that others make on your behalf. Openly disagreeing with someone else can be hard, especially if you're someone who doesn't like conflict or needless drama.

Don't like a political candidate, then make sure you exercise your right to vote during a next election.

Don't like an idea someone is presenting, then step up and join a committee so you can be part of a solution or a compromise.

Dig deep and find your voice and then make it known. Who knows, maybe someone will listen and say, 'That sounded interesting, can you repeat that?

When is the last time you voiced your opinion and had a positive response?

What should I say?

It's been an unusual last 12 weeks. We've been dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic. We've dealt with 'Stay Home Stay Safe' orders and proper social distancing. We're dealing with major tensions in our culture. It's been a lot to deal with and think about for a lot of people. There are different opinions to just about EVERYTHING these days. Don't believe me? Check out social media (if you have the stomach for it). I've read comments full of accusations and hatred from strangers directed to other strangers, but I've also read sad comments from people directed to people they know.

Right now I've been focusing on the last 12 weeks, but MANY have been dealing with insurmountable stresses and tensions for a lot longer; declining health, financial burdens, relationship issues, racism, and so much more.

Life has become overwhelming for so many. Many of us want to help. Many of us want to understand both sides of an issue. Many of us have good intentions and want to do something positive to help. Many of us want to say the 'right' thing. So what should we do?  What should we say? I think before we speak or do anything, we need to first learn to listen.

We should never judge what we don't understand, that only makes us part of the problem rather than part of a solution. If we don't understand something, then we need to ask questions, BUT we also need to be prepared to listen. Whether we will fully agree with someone else or not isn't the point. The point is that we need to base our own views on facts, not predetermined stereotypes and ignorance.

Do I pretend to have the answers to life's big questions? Absolutely not. Sure, I have my own opinions on different things, but I generally (for the most part) keep them to myself and my inner circle rather than trying to win people over to my side just to make my side louder or bigger.

The next time you're facing something big and unpleasant (which could be on any given day), take a step back. Ask questions and try to view life or the situation from another perspective. It doesn't mean I expect you to change your opinion; you may or you may not. What I hope for is that we can all come to a consensus that we need to listen more before we react. Once we throw words out there, we can't get them back. We can all learn from our mistakes, myself included. None of us are perfect. We can ALL do better.

Have you had moments when you've reacted too fast and said something you later wanted to take back?

Were you able to remedy the situation and move forward in a more positive way?

So How Are You Doing ... Really?

How many times a week do you run into someone at work, at the grocery store, or while out for a neighborhood walk and in order to make polite conversation you ask, ''How are you doing?" to which the polite response is always, "I'm fine."? You smile, you asked your obligatory question, you waved good bye and then went on about your day. But if you had stuck around long enough the other person might have answered with a different answer; a more truthful one.

 

Many people are going through difficult times. They may be dealing with grief, an illness, loneliness, sadness, or anxiety. But, truth be told, who wants to get an emotional response to a simple "How are you doing?" question? If we're going to be completely honest; probably no one. We're all busy, have things to do, are on our way to someplace extremely important, and have very limited extra time. So why do we bother asking? Don't we realize that most people can see right through our efforts and know that we're just trying to be polite; after all you were already probably two steps away before you had actually finished the question.

 

Now, if you invite a friend to breakfast or lunch or out for a cup of tea or a walk and ask the question, then be prepared to stick around long enough to expect a response. We look around every day and see and admire people that we think have it all together, but do they? Or are they just one question away from asking for a tissue because they're feeling overwhelmed? Many people are good at hiding their emotions and some are an open book. Without ever asking, some people you will always know who's sad, who's sick, who's tired, etc. Some people have no trouble sharing what's going on. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Whoever said that we all have to have super powers? Whoever said that showing emotion was a sign of weakness? Maybe some people wouldn't feel as alone or sick or tired or overwhelmed if they didn't feel the need to keep it all inside for fear that someone might think less of them.

 

We never really know what others are dealing with. We never really know what is going on behind the forced smile. The next time you find yourself asking someone, "How are you doing?", be prepared to actually wait for a response. If the answer is the obligatory "I'm fine.", perhaps ask a second question and then see where the conversation goes. The next smile you see may be a bit more authentic.

 

Just something to think about.

Listen Twice ... Speak Once

How many times have you had someone approach you saying they heard 'this' or 'that'; something that takes you by surprise or possibly saddens you? It's easy to overhear a conversation that you weren't actually part of, hear only parts of the information being shared, and then find yourself sharing what you 'thought' you heard. We all do it; perhaps not intentionally, but we have done it. There are dangers, though, to speaking too soon.

When we only have half of the real information - sharing assumptions can be misconstrued as gossip. In our eagerness to help others (often times asking people to pray), the old game of 'telephone' (symbolized with a tin can and a long string) can be started. We all know what happens then. The more times a phrase is repeated it is inadvertently changed ever so slightly with each re-sharing. We could be doing others more harm than good by speaking too soon. Suddenly, someone who said they were hoping to start a family (some day) is now expecting twins. Someone, who is going in for tests has already been diagnosed by those who overheard a conversation. The proverbial train can now start to derail. Someone hears something (maybe incorrectly, maybe indirectly) and now in an effort to show support sends a sympathy or encouragement card. Their intentions were good, but now the person receiving it may or may not be ready to discuss something that they thought was still somewhat private.

 

Perhaps there is no clear, defined moral to this story other than for the sake of others we should always remember to listen twice and speak once, preferably when we know for a fact that it's o.k. to share people's stories. Prayer is a beautiful, compassionate, and powerful thing to do - but we should be sure of exactly what we are actually praying for. God is busy - wouldn't it be best to give him the most accurate information in our prayers that we can?

Thanks for Listening (Again)

Sometimes I try to think of something new and fresh to share with you. Sometimes I'm inspired and often I like to go back into my archives and see what I may have shared before. Many of you have been devoted readers for quite some time and I'm happy to say many of you are new to my blog. Below is an entry I wrote back in October 2009 when the idea of blogging was VERY new to me. Sometimes 'new' isn't always better, sometimes it's just new. I thought this entry was worth sharing again.

Thanks for Listening

‘Turn your ear to listen to me …

Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe.’

~ Psalm 31:2

Autumn is officially here. The trees are slowly displaying their brilliant shades of oranges, reds and yellows; and yes … I think it may be nearing the time to turn our furnaces on (if you haven’t already). Autumn is a good example of the changing seasons, but it can also be a reminder for us of how our lives (like the weather) also change throughout the year.

It used to be that there were lots of people who were older than me and who knew so much more than I did. Nowadays, it seems like there are so many more people younger than I am. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I have near as much wisdom as my elders seemed to have had when I was 10, 20, 30 or even 40. There is a small group of people that I do go to for advice – my husband, my sister, a co-worker, and a few select friends who will always remind me that they are merely ‘a phone call away’. In my current season (or this stage in my life) I often find myself just wanting to say what’s on my mind. I’ll convince myself that I’ve thought the situation through and the possible solutions. I’ll even convince myself that I have all the answers and don’t need anyone’s advice. The results, however, never seem to be what I thought they would. I find that what I really needed was the opportunity to talk with someone else … or better yet ‘VENT’. I’ve learned that most people will be willing to listen to your problems or concerns for a while, but eventually when your problems become repetitive they’ll unintentionally tune you out. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve known people in my life who when I saw them coming I would try to avoid them or discourage their conversations, because I either felt uncomfortable listening or just didn’t have the time or desire to listen to their newest variation of their woes. They are good reminders to me about keeping my own attitude and conversations positive.

But while it may be important to try and keep a positive outlook, it can also be just as important to have that safe opportunity to talk to someone you trust and be able to vent (without the fear of being judged over how you might be feeling). Venting, however, should NEVER be used as a ploy to try to persuade your ‘listener’ to go along with your argument or way of thinking. There should always be mutual respect. My favorite listeners are my husband and a few special friends. If God gave out gold stars for good deeds, these people would have plenty.

I came across a health website this week where a woman’s blog was being featured. She was a fibromyalgia patient who talked about the need to be able to vent when she wasn't feeling well. She needed to be able to openly admit that she hurt and was in constant pain, without someone telling her that she was complaining.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that this past year has been a rough one for many people. We all know someone (if not ourselves) who has had to deal with something big this year. For some it’s been their health, losing or trying to hold on to their job, personal family struggles, finances, or yes … even their faith.

Each of us needs to be able to vent when we need it. More importantly we all need to have someone who is willing to listen; someone who won’t judge us, try to tell us what is right or wrong, how we should be feeling, how we should act or what we should say. A good listener won’t give you preachy advice. They won’t say ‘I know how you feel’. Mostly they will just listen, really listen. They will ask you just enough questions to get you to open up about what’s really on your mind, and then they’ll let you do all the talking. In return, when they really need to talk, we can try to do a good job in the reversed role and be just as good and patient at listening, always remembering the mutual respect.

My advice to you … find a few good listeners with whom you can feel safe to let things out. Have a private conversation. Then, return the favor. I certainly don’t mean to sound like Pollyanna, but if I've learned one thing as I've gotten older it’s how to be a better listener. When you really stop to think about it, isn't that what every human being wants … to be listened to and affirmed?

Thanks for listening.

‘Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.’
~ Proverbs 12:15

Let's Go Back and Review

I like to write on my blog, but believe it or not there are also blogs that I like to follow. One blog had an entry last week that was directed to fellow bloggers. It suggested that during the holidays when we're busy with demanding schedules that include work, family, shopping, baking, card writing, gift wrapping, etc ... we should keep something in mind. This author suggested that while we might feel a commitment to our readers to post something new and festive during the Christmas season, that we should give ourselves some grace and try something different for a week or so. He suggested that we go back into our 'blog archives' and choose some entries that were some of our personal favorites. Depending on when you started following this blog, these entrys may be new to you. I'm going to give it a try, but I promise to post some NEW stuff before 2011 is complete.

***** (from October 2009) *****

‘Turn your ear to listen to me … Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe.’

~ Psalm 31:2

Autumn is officially here. The trees are slowly displaying their brilliant shades of oranges, reds and yellows; and yes … I think it may be nearing the time to turn our furnaces on (if you haven’t already). Autumn is a good example of the changing seasons, but it can also be a reminder for us of how our lives (like the weather) also change throughout the year.

It used to be that there were lots of people who were older than me and who knew so much more than I did. Nowadays, it seems like there are so many more people younger than I am. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I have near as much wisdom as my elders seemed to have had when I was 10, 20, 30 or even 40. There is a small group of people that I do go to for advice – my husband, my sister, a co-worker, and a few select friends who will always remind me that they are merely ‘a phone call away’. In my current season (or this stage in my life) I often find myself just wanting to say what’s on my mind. I’ll convince myself that I’ve thought the situation through and the possible solutions. I’ll even convince myself that I have all the answers and don’t need anyone’s advice. The results, however, never seem to be what I thought they would. I find that what I really needed was the opportunity to talk with someone else … or better yet ‘VENT’. I’ve learned that most people will be willing to listen to your problems or concerns for a while, but eventually when your problems become repetitive they’ll unintentionally tune you out. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve known people in my life who when I saw them coming I would try to avoid them or discourage their conversations, because I either felt uncomfortable listening or just didn’t have the time or desire to listen to their newest variation of their woes. They are good reminders to me about keeping my own attitude and conversations positive.

But while it may be important to try and keep a positive outlook, it can also be just as important to have that safe opportunity to talk to someone you trust and be able to vent (without the fear of being judged over how you might be feeling). Venting, however, should NEVER be used as a ploy to try to persuade your ‘listener’ to go along with your argument or way of thinking. There should always be mutual respect. My favorite listeners are my husband and a few special friends. If God gave out gold stars for good deeds, these people would have plenty.

I came across a health website this week where a woman’s blog was being featured. She was a fibromyalgia patient who talked about the need to be able to vent when she wasn’t feeling well. She needed to be able to openly admit that she hurt and was in constant pain, without someone telling her that she was complaining.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that this past year has been a rough one for many people. We all know someone (if not ourselves) who has had to deal with something big this year. For some it’s been their health, losing or trying to hold on to their job, personal family struggles, finances, or yes … even their faith.

Each of us needs to be able to vent when we need it. More importantly we all need to have someone who is willing to listen; someone who won’t judge us, try to tell us what is right or wrong, how we should be feeling, how we should act or what we should say. A good listener won’t give you preachy advice. They won’t say ‘I know how you feel’. Mostly they will just listen, really listen. They will ask you just enough questions to get you to open up about what’s really on your mind, and then they’ll let you do all the talking. In return, when they really need to talk, we can try to do a good job in the reversed role and be just as good and patient at listening, always remembering the mutual respect.

My advice to you … find a few good listeners with whom you can feel safe to let things out. Have a private conversation. Then, return the favor. I certainly don’t mean to sound like Pollyanna, but if I’ve learned one thing as I’ve gotten older it’s how to be a better listener. When you really stop to think about it, isn’t that what every human being wants … to be listened to and affirmed?

Thanks for listening.

‘Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.’ ~ Proverbs 12:15

Thanks for Listening

‘Turn your ear to listen to me …

Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe.’
~ Psalm 31:2

Autumn is officially here. The trees are slowly displaying their brilliant shades of oranges, reds and yellows; and yes … I think it may be nearing the time to turn our furnaces on (if you haven’t already). Autumn is a good example of the changing seasons, but it can also be a reminder for us of how our lives (like the weather) also change throughout the year.

It used to be that there were lots of people who were older than me and who knew so much more than I did. Nowadays, it seems like there are so many more people younger than I am. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I have near as much wisdom as my elders seemed to have had when I was 10, 20, 30 or even 40. There is a small group of people that I do go to for advice – my husband, my sister, a co-worker, and a few select friends who will always remind me that they are merely ‘a phone call away’. In my current season (or this stage in my life) I often find myself just wanting to say what’s on my mind. I’ll convince myself that I’ve thought the situation through and the possible solutions. I’ll even convince myself that I have all the answers and don’t need anyone’s advice. The results, however, never seem to be what I thought they would. I find that what I really needed was the opportunity to talk with someone else … or better yet ‘VENT’. I’ve learned that most people will be willing to listen to your problems or concerns for a while, but eventually when your problems become repetitive they’ll unintentionally tune you out. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve known people in my life who when I saw them coming I would try to avoid them or discourage their conversations, because I either felt uncomfortable listening or just didn’t have the time or desire to listen to their newest variation of their woes. They are good reminders to me about keeping my own attitude and conversations positive.

But while it may be important to try and keep a positive outlook, it can also be just as important to have that safe opportunity to talk to someone you trust and be able to vent (without the fear of being judged over how you might be feeling). Venting, however, should NEVER be used as a ploy to try to persuade your ‘listener’ to go along with your argument or way of thinking. There should always be mutual respect. My favorite listeners are my husband and a few special friends. If God gave out gold stars for good deeds, these people would have plenty.

I came across a health website this week where a woman’s blog was being featured. She was a fibromyalgia patient who talked about the need to be able to vent when she wasn’t feeling well. She needed to be able to openly admit that she hurt and was in constant pain, without someone telling her that she was complaining.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that this past year has been a rough one for many people. We all know someone (if not ourselves) who has had to deal with something big this year. For some it’s been their health, losing or trying to hold on to their job, personal family struggles, finances, or yes … even their faith.

Each of us needs to be able to vent when we need it. More importantly we all need to have someone who is willing to listen; someone who won’t judge us, try to tell us what is right or wrong, how we should be feeling, how we should act or what we should say. A good listener won’t give you preachy advice. They won’t say ‘I know how you feel’. Mostly they will just listen, really listen. They will ask you just enough questions to get you to open up about what’s really on your mind, and then they’ll let you do all the talking. In return, when they really need to talk, we can try to do a good job in the reversed role and be just as good and patient at listening, always remembering the mutual respect.

My advice to you … find a few good listeners with whom you can feel safe to let things out. Have a private conversation. Then, return the favor. I certainly don’t mean to sound like Pollyanna, but if I’ve learned one thing as I’ve gotten older it’s how to be a better listener. When you really stop to think about it, isn’t that what every human being wants … to be listened to and affirmed?

Thanks for listening.

‘Fools think their own way is right,
but the wise listen to others.’
~ Proverbs 12:15