How do you deal with life?

It's the beginning of November; I could be blogging about the easy topics like 'should they be playing Christmas music on the radio yet?' or 'is it too soon for Hallmark Christmas movies?'. But that would be too easy. Tomorrow we change our clocks back 1 hour for Daylight Savings Time. The stores are decorating for Christmas sales even though it's not Thanksgiving yet. For some of us our internal clock starts ticking away that we need to start our holiday lists, write out our Christmas cards, and begin planning our social get-togethers.

Somewhere in the midst of all that we also need to deal with our life today; the ups and downs, and dealing with the lingering questions we're seeking answers for. My question for you is 'how do you deal with life'? Do you talk to other people about what's on your mind or do you hold it all in because you don't want to bother anyone? I think I tend to hold things in (with a few exceptions). When you're in a group conversation I sometimes feel like I don't want to change the subject or interrupt. There's always a part of me that wishes someone else would break the ice for me with something like, 'What's new?' Those two simple words can be the door that opens or the easiest way to start a conversation. But know that if you express those two words you need to be prepared to stick around long enough to hear the answer. When you don't and they are just two words that flow as an automatic response, you're not doing anyone any favors. Trust me, it's easy to tell when someone means them versus when someone asks you but they're also already two steps away and have moved on to something or someone else. This is the time to not just talk the talk, but also to walk the walk. You know the old expression that 'actions speak louder than words', right?

Do you feel comfortable reaching out to people when you need a sounding board or just to vent? That can be a tough one. No one wants to appear vulnerable, but we also can't always figure things out on our own. Sometimes a fresh objective view is just what we need.

I'm no expert, but I know what it feels like to have heavy shoulders. It's important to lighten the load when possible. If you don't have that special person (a spouse, a child, a parent, a friend, or a therapist) that you can bounce ideas off of, then you need to find that go-to person - even if it means you have to take the first step. People can be pretty good listeners when they know they are needed, but they also are not mind-readers. Give yourself and them a chance. You may be surprised.

Who has been your biggest supporter and best sounding board?

Something else to keep in mind ... don't expect others to be there for you if you can't make the time to be there for them. Life is a two-way street.

What should I say?

It's been an unusual last 12 weeks. We've been dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic. We've dealt with 'Stay Home Stay Safe' orders and proper social distancing. We're dealing with major tensions in our culture. It's been a lot to deal with and think about for a lot of people. There are different opinions to just about EVERYTHING these days. Don't believe me? Check out social media (if you have the stomach for it). I've read comments full of accusations and hatred from strangers directed to other strangers, but I've also read sad comments from people directed to people they know.

Right now I've been focusing on the last 12 weeks, but MANY have been dealing with insurmountable stresses and tensions for a lot longer; declining health, financial burdens, relationship issues, racism, and so much more.

Life has become overwhelming for so many. Many of us want to help. Many of us want to understand both sides of an issue. Many of us have good intentions and want to do something positive to help. Many of us want to say the 'right' thing. So what should we do?  What should we say? I think before we speak or do anything, we need to first learn to listen.

We should never judge what we don't understand, that only makes us part of the problem rather than part of a solution. If we don't understand something, then we need to ask questions, BUT we also need to be prepared to listen. Whether we will fully agree with someone else or not isn't the point. The point is that we need to base our own views on facts, not predetermined stereotypes and ignorance.

Do I pretend to have the answers to life's big questions? Absolutely not. Sure, I have my own opinions on different things, but I generally (for the most part) keep them to myself and my inner circle rather than trying to win people over to my side just to make my side louder or bigger.

The next time you're facing something big and unpleasant (which could be on any given day), take a step back. Ask questions and try to view life or the situation from another perspective. It doesn't mean I expect you to change your opinion; you may or you may not. What I hope for is that we can all come to a consensus that we need to listen more before we react. Once we throw words out there, we can't get them back. We can all learn from our mistakes, myself included. None of us are perfect. We can ALL do better.

Have you had moments when you've reacted too fast and said something you later wanted to take back?

Were you able to remedy the situation and move forward in a more positive way?

It's A New Day

Remember the Bill Murray movie called 'Groundhog's Day'? He played a reporter who woke up every day to the same day ... the day that just kept repeating itself. For many of us, that's what it feels like lately. We've been staying home and staying safe now for more than 4 weeks. The routine is becoming very familiar; as is the daily dinner menu, the layout of the furniture, and the clothing we are wearing. About the only thing that is changing is the length and color of our hair (since the hair salons are all closed).

There have been moments when I've been glued to my social media to make sure my friends and family are doing well. Sadly there have also been moments when I am saddened and disgusted with the things people post (people I know and people I don't know). I get it. People are anxious. They are feeling antsy. In a world where we are blessed to make so many of our own decisions and choose our opportunities, many people feel 'stuck' suddenly being told what to do, where to go, what to buy and not buy, what's considered essential, that they cannot work, etc. I think, for the most part, people understand the severity of the Covid-19 situation and understand that flattening the curve is really about the only recourse we have right now. It's important that we each do our part to the best of our ability. But criticizing each other, critiquing people you'll never meet in person, and judging others doesn't help anyone's situation. Hiding behind your computer screen and typing in all CAPS and emojis, behind your locked doors doesn't make you smarter than the other guy ... it only makes you a bigger online bully (in my opinion).

Let's all take a much-needed step back and take a deep breath. Many people are now lucky enough to be working from home, but maybe they are stressing out about the self-discipline that takes (not to  mention if their spouse is now working from home too). Then there are people who are not working, but are having a very difficult time working through the government's computer systems to file for unemployment, etc. Maybe through no fault of their own they're getting rejected in the systems and trying to navigate the unwanted and unasked for scenarios. Then there's the fears and anxieties that the pandemic itself throws at us. We are all human and all deal with stresses and anxieties (and for many ... depression) differently. But let's remember to not add any unnecessary fuel to the fires. 

We WILL get through all of this and hopefully come out stronger in the end, both mentally and physically. But we need each other to lean on. We'll all have our stronger moments and our weaker ones, so let's be thankful for the support systems we have. Remember to reach out and send that extra text or email, or better yet make a phone call. Check in on each other. Not everyone has the same support system you do.

Yesterday may have been rough, but today? It's a new day and we can pray that it will be a better one.

How are you doing?

How are you coping?

Finding Just The Right Words

Lately I know a lot of people who are going through 'STUFF'; that's right ... I used capital letters, the stuff is that big and daunting. When you see people (family, friends, co-workers) dealing with the big stuff: divorces, health issues, finances, career choices, responsibilities of all kinds ... it gets overwhelming. Our shoulders were never meant to carry the weight of the world on them (just ask my massage therapist); I know that sounds dramatic, but some days it can feel that way.

When we see people we care about distressed from worry, lack of sleep, and lack of appetite, we in turn worry and empathize with them. We want to fix it or at least make them feel a little better and a little less alone. Sometimes we're too close to people or a situation and we don't know the right words to give them the comfort they need. Or maybe we've said the words before and feel somewhat redundant in saying them again. We don't want what we say to become cliche' or no longer genuine.

Perhaps at times it can be easier to share hope or strength with a stranger. You don't know them but can see and sense that they are overwhelmed or sad. When you don't know them or their situation there are no expectations, no judgment from you or from them. Sometimes a kind gesture or word from a stranger can give you hope and encouragement, because you receive it as just that ... a no strings attached, non-judgmental act of kindness. You feel noticed and not invisible.

We're not always able to fix things the way we'd like for other people. We can't always erase their pain. But there are still things we can do. We can put our phones down when taking a walk. We can take the time to start a conversation with the person we're standing next to in line. We can compliment someone for the color of their blouse or the pattern of their Vera Bradley purse, lol. Just something to remind the other person that you noticed them. Sometimes the casual conversation with the hairdresser or cashier or waiter can feel liberating because it is natural. For that moment we are living 100% in the present. We aren't thinking about the To Do list, the bills that need to get paid, the laundry that is piling up, or whether or not we'll hear back from the job recruiter. Often that spontaneous interaction with a stranger gives us permission for that moment to be present and hit the 'off' switch temporarily for everything else.

Next time you don't think you can find the right words to share with someone, just be in the moment. Look around you; take notice of the weather or the dog that just walked by or the music that was playing in the fast car that drove by with the windows down. Start a conversation based on what is around you and find a way to include the other person; 'What kind of dog is that?' 'Man I wished just once I could drive a car like that ...' 

You being present for someone else (a stranger or someone you know) can give them the reprieve they may need. Think about it and see what difference you can make for someone else. You might be surprised to see that you get something positive out of the moment too.

The Technological Chain Letter

When I was a young girl, maybe age 11 or 12, my friends and I would get chain letters. Ours were handwritten and sent through the mail with a postage stamp. We generally only got mail on our birthdays from out of town relatives, so getting something in the mail was a big deal. I did write to a pen pal during the 5th grade, a student from another school in another state (a class project of sorts), but that was the only mail I would get. It's exciting when you're 11 to walk out to the mailbox and come back with something with your name on it.

 

My, how things have changed. We didn't have cell phones or computers when I was younger, so we communicated by writing letters, talking on the phone (the kind with a cord attached to the wall in the kitchen with absolutely NO privacy), or we knocked on someone's door and then sat on the front porch.

 

Today is very different. On any given day I can get a 'forwarded' email with an inspirational story that I am invited (or gently coerced) into sharing with my friends. There's usually the promise of good fortune or prayers sent my way, but ONLY if I share. Then there is the subtle hints toward guilt if I don't; 'I know which of my friends will share this and which ones won't' or 'If you're not ashamed to share this ...'.  Really? I lead a very busy life, like most everyone. I may have time, at some point, to read through your email, but it may take a week and then what? I've missed my deadline, so now I am doomed to live the next 10 years with bad luck?

 

On most days I love my Facebook account; I get to read what my family and friends are up to, celebrate their happy moments and accomplishments, and feel connected. What I don't like is the political rants, the way technology has made it too easy for people to be bullies and say whatever mean things they want to people they know and people they don't know and hide behind cartoon photos and fake names. But, if I'm being totally honest, I also do not care for the posts that generally have a sincere message, but then attach that good message with a double dose of guilt; 'copy and paste this to your timeline for 1 hour' or 'I know which of my friends will read all the way through this message and then care enough to share'. I would much rather read your thoughts, applaud your efforts for sharing, and then form my own opinion; but the second an ultimatum is attached I will lose interest. Hopefully this doesn't make me a bad person. I will still read your message, consider your beliefs, and most likely support your cause if I agree, but most times I will not share it to my timeline or forward it to my contact list. That is my opinion and my choice, as it is yours for posting in the format that you do.

 

Will you still consider me your 'Facebook' friend if I don't? I hope so. I would hate to think that our friendship was structured around ultimatums and guilt.

 

How do you feel? Do you tend to share posts and emails that you receive, and if so why? Do you tend to send the posts asking for support? I understand that exposure means everything when you are trying to share news or support a cause. What topics are you most likely to share?

 

In a respectful and productive way, please help me understand.

Can Technology Make Us Lazy?

Are you one of those people who avoid technology like it's the plague (or should I say Ebola)? Do you embrace all the newest and fastest gadgets the stores have to offer? Or are you a fence sitter?

Here are a few observations and perhaps you can help me determine if there is a common denominator.

• Do you call someone and leave them a message only to have them call you back and say, "Hi, I saw that you called." To which you reply, "O.k., did you listen to my message?" And then their frustrating response is, "No, but I saw that you called. What did you want?"

Does technology tend to make some people lazy? Do they take the easy way out, check the caller ID - but not bother to actually listen to the message?

• Do you find yourself emailing someone and asking them 3 or 4 questions in the content of the email, yet when they respond they haven't actually read the 'whole' email? They respond to 1 out of 4 questions and disregard the other 3. That becomes a gross waste of time because if you still need your answers now you have to email them back again.
• Then there are those people who will give you their email address but claim they never check it. So ... why do they have one?

Do you think technology overwhelms some people? Do they feel obligated by society to participate, but they don't really want to?

 

Technology, in its many forms, certainly has great purpose, but I also think it can create a sense of disconnect. Yes, computers and emails and Facebook and cell phones are convenient, but they also make it easy to lose touch. When was the last time you wrote a letter (you know, that thing with pen and paper and an envelope and a stamp)? I know many elderly people and college students who would much rather check their 'mailbox' instead of their 'inbox'.

 

Which side of the technology fence do you sit on? Does it help you or hinder you? Does it make you more social or more of a loner? What's your favorite forms of technology and why? For example, maybe you like a Kindle because you don't have the space to store actual books ... on the other hand maybe you prefer the smell of a good bound book and enjoy turning a page and using a bookmark.