Finding Just The Right Words

Lately I know a lot of people who are going through 'STUFF'; that's right ... I used capital letters, the stuff is that big and daunting. When you see people (family, friends, co-workers) dealing with the big stuff: divorces, health issues, finances, career choices, responsibilities of all kinds ... it gets overwhelming. Our shoulders were never meant to carry the weight of the world on them (just ask my massage therapist); I know that sounds dramatic, but some days it can feel that way.

When we see people we care about distressed from worry, lack of sleep, and lack of appetite, we in turn worry and empathize with them. We want to fix it or at least make them feel a little better and a little less alone. Sometimes we're too close to people or a situation and we don't know the right words to give them the comfort they need. Or maybe we've said the words before and feel somewhat redundant in saying them again. We don't want what we say to become cliche' or no longer genuine.

Perhaps at times it can be easier to share hope or strength with a stranger. You don't know them but can see and sense that they are overwhelmed or sad. When you don't know them or their situation there are no expectations, no judgment from you or from them. Sometimes a kind gesture or word from a stranger can give you hope and encouragement, because you receive it as just that ... a no strings attached, non-judgmental act of kindness. You feel noticed and not invisible.

We're not always able to fix things the way we'd like for other people. We can't always erase their pain. But there are still things we can do. We can put our phones down when taking a walk. We can take the time to start a conversation with the person we're standing next to in line. We can compliment someone for the color of their blouse or the pattern of their Vera Bradley purse, lol. Just something to remind the other person that you noticed them. Sometimes the casual conversation with the hairdresser or cashier or waiter can feel liberating because it is natural. For that moment we are living 100% in the present. We aren't thinking about the To Do list, the bills that need to get paid, the laundry that is piling up, or whether or not we'll hear back from the job recruiter. Often that spontaneous interaction with a stranger gives us permission for that moment to be present and hit the 'off' switch temporarily for everything else.

Next time you don't think you can find the right words to share with someone, just be in the moment. Look around you; take notice of the weather or the dog that just walked by or the music that was playing in the fast car that drove by with the windows down. Start a conversation based on what is around you and find a way to include the other person; 'What kind of dog is that?' 'Man I wished just once I could drive a car like that ...' 

You being present for someone else (a stranger or someone you know) can give them the reprieve they may need. Think about it and see what difference you can make for someone else. You might be surprised to see that you get something positive out of the moment too.

It's Easy To Get Paranoid

There are those days when we can only manage to keep up with what is going on in our own lives. Sometimes there just isn't room for anything else. On days like that, please don't ask me to 'remind' you to do something the following week. I'll be doing good to get to bed that night. Lol, there was a night just last week when my day had been long and my mind was already on overload, that when I got up in the morning I realized I had never managed to put my pajamas on. Lucky for me the shorts and t-shirt I was wearing were apparently REALLY comfortable.

Yes, sometimes there is only enough room in our heads (and our hearts) to focus on what we are presently going through. Our brains can't process much else. On days like these it can be easy to get a little paranoid, probably because we are too tired and too overwhelmed to see past our own two feet. We aren't always able to look at the entire scene around us or even fully hear (or comprehend) the words that are being spoken to us. 

Someone may ask you something and you find yourself thinking, 'Why are they asking me that? It's none of their business.' Other times you may have so much on your mind that you think it's about to overflow. Someone you know walks by and doesn't say anything to you and you think to yourself, 'Why aren't they asking me how I am doing? Don't they care? Or do I really give off the image that I have it all together?' 

The truth of the matter is that we are all human. It's easy and natural for us to be consumed with what WE are going through. But guess what? Other people are going through things too. They, too, are consumed with their own lives. I don't think it's that we don't care enough about each other or what we are going through, but rather we are all just as busy as the next person. We can't let ourselves feel alone or disregarded. We can't expect people to know when we want to talk and when we want to be left alone. We can't expect people to read our minds. We need to be our own advocate. If we need some space then it's okay to ask someone, 'I'm sorry I'm exhausted and am really not up to conversation right now, can we try again another time?' If we can't hold our thoughts in any more and really need to talk to someone, then we need to initiate the conversation. It's okay to call, text, or email a friend and say, 'Do you have some time that we could talk? I'd really love the opportunity to get some things off my chest and maybe bounce some ideas around with you.'

None of us should be expected to handle everything on our own. The burdens can become way to heavy if we insist on shouldering them alone. Don't allow yourself to become paranoid or agitated or feeling lonely. Remember that the world does not revolve solely around us, there are other people out there too. When you need someone reach out or reach up. You never have to be alone.

Have The Conversation

A conversation is a dialogue made up of at least two voices. Ironically, though, some people think it is about one person mentioning a topic and then someone else speaking A LOT. The second person will start out by sharing their point of view and then it's like a 'snowball down the hill' effect. They talk, then talk some more, then keep talking until the eyes of the first person start to glaze over. It tends to gain momentum as it goes. It's normal for all of us to feel passionate about certain topics, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we know what we are talking about or that we even have our facts in order. We could just be sharing our opinion disguised as fact. Yet, the inner seasoned debater can come out in all of us. We're determined to persuade the other person that our opinion is the right opinion and they should share it.

Want to know what I mean, just watch or listen to any political talk show. The seasoned anchor will do their darnedest to convince you that their point of view is the only one that matters. Now whether the opinion shared is actually theirs or their bosses remains to be determined. But that's neither here nor there.

The thing about real conversations is that if executed correctly we can actually learn more by listening than by talking. A little give and take and equal talk time can teach both parties a lot. If we only want to hear ourselves talk and never listen to anyone else we may as well just have a solo monologue in our car. Then we know we'll never have to argue because the only one listening is us. BUT, if we actually want to discover something about our character and more than just the answer to the topic, we should make a conversation more like a chess match ... make your point (or move your chess piece), then hit the buzzer, then sit back, then wait for a thought out response, wait your turn and then go again. What a concept, huh?

It's okay not to know it all. Take a chance and have the conversation. In the end, you may learn something new.

Do you have those people in your life that like to dominate the conversation? 

How do you handle it?

Why Didn't I Hear Back From You?

Communication is a funny thing. It takes a commitment from both sides. If you ask someone a question whether in person, by text, by email, or in a letter you hope for a response. That's seems pretty natural and not asking too much. Some people see the effort you put in to the question or conversation and respond accordingly; others will almost always leave you hanging. Why do you suppose that is?

 

I'll admit, by nature, I am a detail oriented person. Whether it's a personal email or a work-related one, if I make an inquiry or extend an invitation or even just start a conversation I hope for a timely response (I suppose it would be too pushy of me to expect it?). Some people I know see the effort that goes into things and they respond, others for whatever reason don't bother. I certainly understand the demands of busy schedules; my calendars and To Do lists would be mind-boggling to some.

 

To say that how people respond (or don't) could be correlated to being a generational thing, to me, is just an excuse. Some people (young or old) are quick to ask a question, but when you reply, they leave it at that. They don't comment, they don't respond; basically they leave you wondering if they even received your response or if they did are they upset or just being nonchalant about it. If you follow through on it you may eventually get caddy responses like: 'Sorry, I'm just so busy, you wouldn't understand' or 'I thought you'd know.' Really? Are we suddenly expected to be mind readers? I don't know about you, but my crystal ball is a bit cloudy. Perhaps we didn't give them the response they were hoping for so they've simply moved on.

 

Should we have to ask people to be courteous? Must we include disclaimers in our messages like, 'Please respond so I can get a proper head count for the event', 'Please respond so I know whether to keep time open in my afternoon for you', 'RSVP', or 'Please confirm that you received my response'? I can see some of those being appropriate if it's work-related or you're trying to meet a deadline, but on a personal basis it would seem petty. But then, if we're being honest, many of us wish we could be more blatant and say what we are really thinking. Of course, lol, if you're a blogger you've created a platform for yourself to be able to say things without really saying them. Kind of like a subliminal message that works IF the right people take the time to read it.

 

So what has been your experience? Are you good about responding to people in a timely fashion? Do you consider the value of the other person's feelings or schedule? Do you experience people not responding to you? How does that make you feel?

Stop, Watch and Listen

We all know that schedules can get crazy, overwhelming, and a bit out of hand at times. The truth of the matter is that we tend to create most of our own stress. We take on more projects than we know we can handle, because we don't want to say 'No'. We try to play superhero and do it all. We work, we parent, we take care of aging parents, we take care of our homes, and we try to reach out and volunteer. If you're like me, you feel guilty at times about taking a couple of days off for yourself (o.k. - I hope I'm not the only one that struggles with that.)

 

Last week I took one day off of work and managed 3 days away with my daughter for some R&R, some mother-daughter conversation, some grueling exercise, a lot of fresh air, and a good deal of people-watching. It was good to get away, to have a change of scenery, to do something different, to not watch the clock, to not answer the phone, and to not hear honking horns (at least while we were on Mackinac Island).

 

So what did we do? We walked A LOT. We rode bikes A LOT. We talked A LOT. We ate good food (but not too much). We people watched; that can be a sport in itself. And we talked to people ... total strangers. While waiting for dinner at an outdoor pick up window we talked to a retired Army guy from Kentucky. We learned a bulk of his life story (at least the part since 2002) in under 3 minutes. He talked about his desire to tour around the U.S. with his wife and about many of the places he'd been. He talked about wanting to DO as much as they could now that he was retired.

 

We talked with a young woman working on the island in the Biddle House (built in the early 1800s). She wore a dress from the period and talked about the origins of the house, the family that lived there, and what a typical day would have been like for them. Then we talked with 'her'; about her summers, her job, and about the quilt she was working on (the pattern, the size, how long it would take them to complete one, etc.).

 

Asking people 'How are you?' and getting the automated reply, 'I'm fine' is easy. It takes more effort to have a REAL conversation; to ask real questions and give real answers. It's interesting, it's fun, and it's educational. We already know most everything about ourselves. It's more fun to actually stop, watch, and listen to other people. We can learn so much, and not just about them. We can learn things about ourselves; the level of our compassion, our interests, and our level of creativity.

 

Embrace the moment. Take the vacation. Hug your kids. Have a real conversation. Give it a chance. I guarantee you it'll be worth the effort.

 

What was the last thing you learned from a conversation with a stranger? Was it something about them OR you?