Can You Keep A Secret?

Can you keep a secret? How many times have you heard those five awful words? I say 'awful' because those five simple words have the power to put enormous stress into relationships, increase anxiety, and mess with people's demeanors and their ability to trust.

 

There are different kinds of secrets; some good, some not so good. There are the secrets like 'will you keep Billy's party a secret until next Friday so we can surprise him?' Those secrets are harmless and worth the temporary deceit. There are harder secrets like sharing a confidence with someone who is being verbally or physically abused. They ask you not to tell anyone because they are afraid of their well being as well as yours, yet they NEED someone they can confide in. Hopefully being there for them as a support system will give them the ability to gain clarity and feel safe about making a plan to get out of the abusive relationship. Sharing a secret like this needs to come with understood boundaries though. You will keep their secret 'temporarily' as a show of support UNTIL they can resolve the issue themselves, however IF you feel the need to step in and share the secret in order to protect them then you will. They will be stronger for it if they can be the one to reveal the truth with you by their side.

 

Then there are secrets that, in my opinion, are simply NOT okay. The secrets that are harmful to relationships and make it difficult to be able to trust and believe. It's never good when someone starts a conversation with, 'I don't want (fill in the blank) to know this, BUT ...' or 'I don't want to tell (fill in the blank) this because I know they'll have their feelings hurt or they'll misunderstand.' IF a person begins their conversation with you in this way STOP and see the warning signs. You are about to hear gossip. You are about to be pitted against someone else, whether you approve or not, because this person doesn't want to give you a choice. I know people like this and deal with them every day. When they start a sentence with, 'I shouldn't say anything ...' I immediately stop them and say, 'Then don't. If you don't want them to know, do not tell me. Don't put me in a position I don't want to be in.' If the sentence starts in a different way such as, '(fill in the blank) doesn't want you to know this, BUT ...' I stop them before they can go any further and say, 'Then don't tell me. If they want me to know something it's up to them to tell me, not you. I don't want to know.'

 

Unfortunately some people thrive on secrets; on sharing them AND being the recipients. Though many don't seem to fully comprehend the concept. Secrets are not to be shared; hence they are a 'secret'. How do we handle those who behave like a kid in a candy store when they have a secret and are about to burst because they just can't hold it in? How do we reign them back in to focus on the part where they gave someone their 'word' that they wouldn't tell? How do we re-enforce the need for keeping our word, maintaining our integrity, and being worthy of people's trust?

 

I don't pretend to have the answers. I am still a work in progress, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

A Lesson In Trust

Many of you may have heard that I'm out of town this week watching my granddaughter. Watching a 6 1/2 week old for a week is something I haven't done in 20 years. People say it's like 'riding a bike'. That may be true. Riding a bike reminds me of my mini vacation just a few months ago with my daughter to Mackinac Island. The island of fudge, seagulls, walkers, horses, and LOTS of bikes. We saw people of all ages, sizes, athletic ability, and energy riding bikes around the island. There were single speed bikes, 3 speed, 7 speed, kid's bikes, and tandem bikes; but all had the option of having a fashionable (but practical) basket on the front. My daughter, being the witty one that she is, said that riding on the back of a tandem bike was a real lesson in trust. It teaches you real quick how to be part of a team, how to listen to your co-rider, and how not to make the world all about you.

So, with that in mind, me spending time with my granddaughter this week is not only a lesson of trust for me, but also for her parents. I commend them for knowing I will take excellent care of her while they're at work and for being able to trust me with their most worthy and newest family member. I think we've all done well so far this week. There have been a few tears and a few moments of anxiety, BUT there have also been smiles, giggles, hugs, and 3 nights in row of a little princess sleeping through the night. Yes, all is good on the western side of the mitten this week.

Here's to another 3 great days. I've already learned not to look at the calendar, not to answer the phone as 'King of kings Lutheran Church', and how to change a diaper in under 15 seconds! Like I said, 'We're all learning here.'

I hope your week is going good and you've learned something new as well; or at least been reminded of something you'd forgotten about. Let's face it, we can all use a little reminding from time to time.