I am sitting at my laptop for the first time in more than 2 weeks. Why, you ask? Because to blog I want to be creative. To be creative means I have to be able to successfully organize my thoughts into something meaningful. To organize my thoughts means I've got to clear out a whole lot of junk swirling around in my head to make room for the creative parts to cultivate. And to do ALL of that sometimes takes the right moment, not being too tired, not being too distracted, not being too overwhelmed or overwrought, and perhaps even the right lighting or music playing in the background. Setting the stage for success can be mind boggling.
We all have dreams of how we WISH our lives could be; dreams of being retired and traveling, dreams of pursuing a goal, dreams of being able to spend more time with family and friends, dreams of being financially independent, or dreams of thinking that we're making some small difference in the world. The thing about dreams though, is that we get to define exactly what they mean for us and how we're going to try to achieve them.
I've worked my whole life planning for the future and even planning for just tomorrow; trying to make sure everyone else's lives are running as smoothly as possible and always doing whatever I can to help them attain their dreams. There's nothing wrong with that unless, in the process, I lose sight of myself and my own dreams. As a spouse and a parent you do whatever you can for your family, whether that's your children, grandchildren, or your parents. You give up a lot so that they can have a little more. That's all part of the cycle of life. We do for others because we can and we sometimes settle for whatever is leftover for ourselves. While it can be looked upon as leading a very charitable life, it can also be disheartening at times. When we give and give and give and suddenly wonder one day why it seems like things are no longer appreciated, but rather expected we have to wonder exactly when we let ourselves become so consumed with living through other people's lives. At what point did we allow ourselves to feel guilty for doing something or looking after ourselves?
I am sorry to say that I may never know the answer to that one, but I can say that recognizing the issue and identifying it is the first step. While I will continue to be there for my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my church family, and any stranger I come across that I might be able to help ... it is also well past the time that I begin to pay more attention to taking better care of myself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Will that mean that others may get a little less 'me'? Perhaps, and if so, they may need to adjust (and I'm sure they will). For now I will strive to sit down at my laptop more than once every two weeks; after all blogging is way cheaper than therapy.